The Paradox of Our Time

My favourite passage extracted from:

The Paradox of Our Time
- by George Carlin (Comedian, Actor, Author)

The paradox of our time in history is that
We have taller buildings but shorter tempers;
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less;
We buy more but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgement;
More experts, yet more problems,
More medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much,
Spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
Drive too fast, get too angry,
Stay up too late, get up too tired,
Read too little, watch TV too much,
And pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions,
But reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life,
We've added years to life not life to years.























Photography: Xuan
Cropped by: Mommy

How true! And how many of us actually realised that? Adding life to years!!! Shouldn't that be everyone's lifetime goal? Let's teach our children to enjoy the beauty of life to the fullest and appreciate every bit of it. This is especially more crucial to my family now as I move on to fulfill my "calling" while they start to get used to my absence (well, most of the time). God bless us!

Déjà vu

Just when I thought we're over and done with En's medical issues, who'd have thought she'll "shocked" us early in the morning last Saturday. Well, she didn't make it easy for all of us when we were at the surgeon's clinic the day before. She screamed, yelled and fought with all her might at whatever came her way. The surgeon finally raised his white flag and skipped the nasoendoscopy check. En was alright when we left the clinic, though we did noticed her cough quite a fair bit.

By late afternoon, her cough seemed to get worse but she was still happily playing, so we just gave her some cough mixture which the surgeon prescribed earlier. By midnight, she was coughing so much she couldn't sleep at all. To make things worse, she kept having nightmares, screaming "I don't want!!!" repeatedly, and that was exactly how she reacted in the clinic during the day.

So what can you do to a traumatised toddler who's coughing non stop in the middle of the night? We just have to take turns to calm & soothe her, rock her gently to sleep and anticipate the next drama in 20-30 minutes' time. The entire family was up caring for her till early morning, only to find her getting breathless as the clock ticks. My first thought then was "Did her adenoid removal surgery fail??? Why is she so breathless???"

To cut the story short, we ended up in KKH's A&E by noon, and she was sent to Observation Ward right upon arrival. The readings taken on the oxygen saturation level in her lungs were below normal range (95%-100% ) and the reading kept going down by the minute. Despite having inhaled 28 doses (my goodness!!!) of metered dose Ventolin puffs and undergone 30 minutes of oxygen therapy, the reading taken was a disappointing 88%. Her chest X-ray revealed left lung infection, which was why the doctors decided she has to be warded.

The meter readings taken on day of admission and the following morning after 18 hours of oxygen therapy.




















So exactly a week after her surgery, we found ourselves in the hospital again, this time with acute bronchitis and pneumonia. Her oxygen saturation level in the lungs returned to normal after 18 hours of oxygen therapy and administration of 4 metered dose Ventolin puffs every 3-hourly. I was sleepless, tired and worried... Having to spend 2 nights in KKH also reminded me of those nights I spent with Xuan 2 years ago. It was only last week when I was going through the photos taken then! Can you beat that???!!! Déjà vu indeed.

En in bed during the 2 hospitalisation saga in a week.























Thankfully, we are all back home now, although I will still have to endure sleepless nights to administer the Ventolin puffs to her during the wee hours at night. But at the very least, I have my En happily playing and laughing again. Praise God!

P/S: I cannot thank God enough for His reminder that He will preserve my children, especially when I was feeling helpless in KKH. The doctor who was getting information from me on En's medical history exclaimed "That's quite amazing!" when he asked for her gestational age (37 weeks + 1 day and that's full term for singleton, let alone a twin), and if she required any NICU (the answer was NO) or any jaundice treatment given postpartum (the answer was NO as well). Indeed, I am still amazed to date. Both En & Xuan are miracles, aren't they? Praise God again! :)

Over and Done with... Almost

First of all, we'd like to thank God and everyone who were with us in prayer pre & post surgery. En's adenoids were successfully removed on 14 March, and I felt she was given a new lease of life the moment we left Novena Surgery that day. For the first time in 2 years, I felt she didn't have to breathe heavily and could sleep silently in the car. That was when I couldn't help it but exclaimed "Its all worth it!"

Its been nearly a week post op and the girl slept well every night. The improvement is spectacular!!! It wasn't just me who noticed the difference. Everyone in the family did. En became more chatty, probably because she's no longer feeling the lethargy during the day. She'd skipped and hopped when we're out, apparently more relax than before. Now I fully comprehend the surgeon's words "You will notice tremendous improvement in her sleep the very night after her surgery. And she will be thankful to you for putting her through all these because she hasn't had a good night sleep for a long, long time." Its more than amazing!!!

Now, the only thing left to overcome is her review at the surgeon's office tomorrow. Although he said he may or may not do the nasoendoscopy on her, depending on her "mood", I am fully aware that he will most probably do it. Come on! Which surgeon does not review the site of the surgery post op??? Its his call of duty and I know I cannot stop him. So there we go again... Despite knowing that dear En is well and had fully recovered from the op, I have to commit her into the hands of God again tomorrow when that "flexible" camera thingy gets inserted into her nostrils while she scream and yell. It may not be physically painful, but it is definitely emotionally traumatising for a 2½-year old toddler.

So please keep us in prayer again, till we confirm the good news from the surgeon's mouth - "She's cleared!"

Thank you!

Surgery Preparation

When Xuan was admitted to KKH in April 2007 to have her abscess removed, we were caught unprepared, hence the trauma for the then 6-month old girl, Di and myself. I still remember the pain of being shooed away from the procedure room when my little one screamed at me for leaving her behind. And I'll never forget how lonely I felt when I was back in the ward, all alone, trying to hold back my tears while Xuan went under the knife (with only local anesthesia administered) and was wailing her lungs out. I swear I could hear her even though I was miles away. The only consolation at that time was probably the fact that she had a pair of really strong lungs!

IV unit on Xuan's arm which had to be taped to a splint.














Preparing to give Xuan a bath post surgery.














Its nearly 2 years from then yet memory of the above is still fresh as though it just took place yesterday. As such, I decided its best to tell En about her adenoid removal surgery scheduled on the coming Saturday than to surprise her that morning. After all, she is coming to 2½ years old and is able to comprehend the concept of events quite well. However, I reckon it'll sound a lot more "comfortable" to her when I said there are 2 "strawberries" (instead of adenoids) in her nasal passage that has to be surgically removed in order for her to breath more comfortably and to sleep better.

Well, we always tell En that she is special because an angel kissed her at birth and left her a lipstick mark (Strawberry Hemangioma) on her wrist. For that, she became a fan of strawberries and everything related to the fruit. So not surprisingly, she was glad to know there are 2 of that cute, little pink fruit in her nose which Dr. Chee (the surgeon) would like to remove. We added that the removal process will be carried out while she's asleep (under general anesthesia) and when she comes around, "Ta-da!!! The strawberries are gone!!!" En responded with a silly smile, as though imagining Dr. Chee waving his magic wand and some fairy dust came upon her while she was asleep. To give her more reasons to look forward to the surgery, we told her Dr. Chee is going to leave her a present for being such a cooperative patient.

Of course, mommy would be the one getting the present in reality. I had already bought her a new set of Hello Kitty Cellphone with matching accessories. My sisters also had gifts on standby to cheer her up post surgery. We've got Princess wardrobe stickers, Dora's bubble bottle, Thomas & Friends activity book, etc. all ready to put a smile on our little princess' face this Saturday.

And no, we have not forgotten about Xuan. Whatever gifts we prepared for En, there will be a duplicate one for Xuan too. Talk about double blessings! Remember its also double spending for twins!!! Hee... While Di, myself and one of my younger sisters will be at Novena Surgery this Saturday, Xuan will be home with Ya-Ya and Ling (my close friend and neighbour) who volunteered to babysit. Ya-Ya and Xuan will also be partaking the Holy Communion at home before the surgery starts. So it is a family event where everyone has to do their part to celebrate En's new gift of life --- to be able to breath freely, literally!!!

Would you please pray, celebrate and rejoice with us for this coming Saturday? Thank you very much!

Restoration

Had wanted to post earlier but I just didn't have the courage to. So much happened in February and with the kids still down, my heart is just a little to heavy to even get my spirit lifted for a second, even though I'd love to share some good things that were happening to me. I am hardly this discouraged, but I am still hopeful. There is still that little faith left in me, so I am hanging in there...

Nevertheless, this post is to thank everyone who had been with me in prayer, as well as to update those of you concerned on the status of the munchkins.

En
She has fully recovered from the gastrointestinal infection, as well as lung infection. After several tiring trips to the clinic for the administration of Ventolin (a medicine used to open her airway) via the nebulizer, we finally bought a unit of the nebulizer from the PD to administer the medication on our own at home. Her condition had improved a great deal but we desperately need to speed up her recovery in view of her coming surgery to remove her adenoids.

However, on Tuesday morning, when her PD recommended to postpone her surgery (originally scheduled for tomorrow), my heart sank into a bottomless pit. It is no joke knowing that she has to suffer another week of sleep apnea. Watching her cough every morning from 4am+ to 5am+ despite her strong desire to return to sleep is horrendously torturing for Di, Ya-Ya and myself. Many times, I had to leave the room, sometimes in tears, because there is absolutely nothing I can do for my child except to pray. Helplessness is a curse!

En's temperament is also very much affected by what she had been through lately. The amount of medication she had to take everyday is not helping either. Her mood swings are comparable to a pendulum! It got so bad I decided to cut down on all her medication intake, particularly antihistamines, and give only Ventolin. The result - she appeared happier. Thank God! And to keep her "sterile" till the surgery, she will be quarantined at home which means my sanity will be at stake. Patience, patience, patience... I have a feeling I'll either turn into a saint, or end up insane, by the end of next week! :(

Xuan
Caught the "bug" from En which landed her with lung infection as well. Xuan is very much recovered and sleeping very well despite her lost of appetite. Her antibiotic intake ends today, and that marks the end of my medicine feeding battle with the munchkins. We had a few very nasty battles with Xuan when it comes to medicine feeding and putting her on the nebulizer. The process was just too much for me to take, hence the decision to also cut down on her antihistamine intake.

As a result, Xuan too had been quarantined at home to give her a chance to fully recover and strengthen her immune system. Another reason for not sending her to school is to ensure she doesn't get another round of infection. Otherwise, she'll bring the "bugs" home to En, then we'll be back to where we started again.

With so much going on, I found my entire being running on empty earlier this week. Patience worned off, energy totally drained, tear ducts dried up and the usual joyful self vanished. I'm afraid my soul and being may well have been living in parallel existence behind barbed wired fence. Despite the whatever little faith I had left, God continued to be faithful and restored my hope and renewed my strength through my bible study class on Tuesday evening, and I am so grateful for that.

Now that the restoration process had began, I'm taking things one step at a time till life in this household returns to normal. And thank you once again, for keeping my family in prayer. I hope to share good news the next time I post. God bless!

If Children Live With

A beautiful poem I spotted in my girls' very talented & gentle PD Dr. Kenneth Lyen's clinic. He certainly is one doctor you'll fall in love with at first "word". :)

If Children Live With

Praise - they learn to appreciate
Criticism - they learn to condemn

Approval - they learn to like themselves
Shame - they learn to feel guilty

Encouragement - they learn confidence
Ridicule - they learn to be shy

Security - they learn to have faith
Fairness - they learn justice

Acceptance & Friendship - they learn to find love in the world

Xuan

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone had a great time together with their loved ones today. While we're not exactly celebrating the occasion, we're more than grateful we didn't have to spend this day at the KK Children's Hospital. Thank you, God!!!

For your information, I decided to name this post "Xuan" not because I have to write something about her after naming the previous one "En". Although I try to be as fair as I can as a parent and friend to the munchkins, there are times where its hard to practice what I preach. Nobody's perfect, let's face it.

Then why name this post "Xuan"? Because there is something about Xuan which we have to deal with now. Her childcare teacher called yesterday to find out En's condition, and at the same time, share with me something she observed in Xuan. Well, I must admit that deep inside, I have a feeling I knew what she was going to say but was hoping I'd be wrong... Well, a mother's instinct is almost always right.

Her teacher observed signs of insecurity in Xuan in the past week. She decided to discuss with me when Xuan refused to let part with her Dora pouch (which I bought for her this week) in school, clinging on to it as though her life depended on it. "She was never like this before. I feel she reacted this way because everyone's attention is on En this week. Do you think so, Mrs Yeo?" asked her teacher.

I had to agree. I'm one of the culprits who were not sensitive enough to my little girl's needs. I have no reasons to find excuses for myself, claiming that En needs me more in times like this. There were a number of occasions where I saw disappointment in Xuan's eyes this week, but I told myself I'll make up for it later on when En recovers. I was so wrong.

After sharing with Di and Ya-Ya about the teacher's observation, we decided we'll be more sensitive towards Xuan. But we are only humans, and what took place today made me feel worse than ever. This morning, En cried when Xuan took a piece of toy which she wanted but was too weak to reach for it. Ya-Ya told Xuan nicely to let En have the toy first and reiterate the fact that En is not well. Xuan then took a step forward, passed the toy to En quietly and turned away. One could almost see the hurt in her eyes!!! And the next thing we knew, she took a bite on her right arm!

Then in the afternoon, when I carried the frail En out of her bedroom after her nap, Xuan was seen happily sipping a cup of cooled Barley drink which Gong Gong had bought. Upon seeing En, the anxious Gong Gong hurriedly took the cup from Xuan and offered to En for fear that En would further dehydrate, but he too, failed to see the hurt in Xuan's eyes. Before I could react, there goes another bite on Xuan's arm.

Was Xuan trying to alleviate her hurt by transferring the pain onto her arms? We don't know... I've had friends complaining about their kids biting other children in the childcare centre. I've also been told stories involving sibling rivalry. Yet today, I find myself in no better shape than these friends. The only difference in our story is - the child inflicting and receiving hurt is one and the same - my Xuan.

Parenting is hard work. Not the physical aspect. At least not for me. The challenging part comes in the form of discipline and nurturing kids the way it is most beneficial to them. For Xuan, I supposed my utmost critical task on hand is to pray (for her and myself), shower her with lots of love and provide her assurance that in my heart, she will never be any less important than her twin sister. Seriously, I cannot think of any better solution at the moment. My brain is already operating at maximum capacity and my heart is still aching from the series of events. None of my other organs are capable of contributing to the topic at this moment... Oops, guess I'm not making any sense already. My brain is probably on the verge of entering "sleep" mode...

Sorry, Xuan. Mommy's very tired... But I do love you. Please be patient with me...

En

This post is solely about En.

Before I could get over her adenoid issue, we had another "drama" yesterday and it totally freaked me out. I finally broke down because I really thought I was going to lose her forever...

En had been down with diarrhea and vomiting for the past few days. As she had just started a course of Claripen (an antibiotic) last weekend, I figured its normal because the side effects of the drug clearly indicated diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain, headache, taste alteration, etc.

Her diarrhea became more severe by Tuesday, after our visit to the ENT specialist. In order not to further traumatise her, I called the clinic instead of bringing her back to the doctor. Her usual doctor was off duty, so I consulted the locum instead, and was told to continue with Claripen as diarrhea is normal under such condition. Her last meal taken to date was a slice of hash brown during lunch on Tuesday.

We went on to administer the drug and even send her to school on Wednesday. Big mistake!!! Although she survived school on Wednesday, she was too weak to even move around by Thursday morning. She was seen lying around on the floor, couch and everywhere at home in the morning. As we had already decided not to send her to school, we just let her rest as much as her heart desires.

By 9am plus, she fell asleep, and Ya-Ya thought she's getting an early nap because she didn't sleep well the night before. She woke up at 12:15pm, sat there quietly and refused all the yummy food I bought to cheer her up. 15 minutes later, she dozed off again!!! That was when the siren went off in my head!

I called the clinic only to realised its lunch break and no one's around to answer my call. Out of desperation, I called an ex-colleague who is a nurse. Her words struck me like lightning! "She could die of dehydration! She's still so young! Send her to KKH. Don't wait for the clinic to open!"

I decided to wake En up, to see if she's alright. Once, twice, thrice... I tried hitting her cheeks harder. There was no response!!! Yes, she's still breathing but she wasn't responding!!! I panicked. I asked Ya-Ya to quickly finished up her lunch while I proceed to pack some of En's stuff and get ready the necessary documents. After I booked a cab, I called my dad and Di. I was already in tears when I told them "I don't know what happened but she just won't wake up!!!" With no questions asked, both the men showed up at the KKH A&E Department's taxi stand before our arrival.

At the A&E, on and off, En does open her eyes. She doesn't give much response but she is conscious, and that is great consolation to me. Primary diagnosis for her case is Gastrointestinal infection, whose symptoms are exactly the same as the sides effects of the antibiotics. No hospitalisation required but we will continue to see diarrhea, vomiting, fever, etc. for the next few days.

Since midnight till now, she's had 3 rounds of diarrhea and yet there hasn't been much fluid intake as she refuses everything... She hasn't had food for more than 3 days! I couldn't bear to take a second look at her now as she is so weak and skinny. Helplessness is exactly how I am feeling this moment and I can only pray...

Would you please pray with me?

Adenoid

The word "Adenoid" was first introduced to me 2 days ago at the munchkins' doctor's clinic, and it got me all anxious and a little depress till now. So be warned. This is a rather depressing post...

En's bout of cough didn't go away since Christmas. After 3 visits to the same doctor, he decided to administer antibiotics which is standard protocol for fear of infection. 3 days after that, En developed high fever. Very unusual for one who is on antibiotics, so I suspect antibiotics resistance and brought her back to the clinic for a 4th time.

I spent some time with her doctor going through the signs and symptoms we observed in En:

• loud breathing (close to snoring) when she's asleep;
• takes a long time (compared to Xuan) to finish her meal;
• wakes up coughing in the wee hours of the night, hence disturbed sleep;
• occasionally throws up her milk when she's coughing;
• sensitive nose (similar to my allergy rhinitis);
• unexplained bouts of fever after she turned one, etc.

Then the doctor wrote the word "Adenoid" on a piece of paper and asked if I know what it is. I bet ??? was written all over my face. After his careful explanation and sharing with me his personal experience with his own child who had similar condition, he suggested I get En a proper diagnosis and got us a referral to an ENT specialist.

My mind was in a state of confusion when I left the clinic with the letter in my hand. As told by the doctor, I googled "Adenoid" the same night and had a better understanding of what it is. But I was still very anxious about the visit to the ENT specialist the following day. though I did feel a lot better after praying and exchanging SMSes with friends who are my praying partners.

Yesterday, I packed some of En's favourite stuff before we left for the clinic. Thank God my sister took the morning off to join us (Di couldn't make it due to work commitment). It took 4 adults to hold En down when the nasoendoscopy was carried out by the specialist. And yet, the results were not very encouraging. Her nasal passage was 3/4 obstructed by her enlarged adenoid, hence her difficulty in breathing when infected and her frequent wakes in the night. The conclusion - have her adenoid surgically removed.

While we are now waiting for her infection to clear up before we could schedule her for the day surgery, she seemed to sense my anxiety and what's in store for her. I haven't seen her laugh after the nasoendoscopy yesterday. She returned to school today and when I spoke to her teacher and principle this afternoon, both commented that she's been extremely quiet, moody and kept to herself. That nearly brought tears to my eyes...

Nevertheless, I'm thankful for the wonderful staff in the school who are taking extra good care of her now. The principal called to ask me to bring her some formula milk in the late morning when En refused lunch. She later called to inform me En finished her formula milk and that put my mind at ease because En had refused all meals yesterday and didn't quite want to have her formula milk as well.

Even now, my heart still ache at the thought of her going through the surgery and then probably another round of nasoendoscopy for post-op review. And I hate to see her so moody and withdrawn... I don't know how long this will last but I certainly want to believe it will be over soon.

You know, its strange how one could have faith in miracles when sick, yet tremble at the thought of their own kids being wheeled into operating theatres??? I used to think "losing my mobility (or freedom)" would be the most devastating thing that could ever happen to me. Looks like there is more than just that that is capable of robbing me of my peace - MY KIDS...

Playground Bully

It never occur to me that I'll have to deal with the "bully" issue this soon. While you may have read about primary school kids or teenagers being bullied in school, I was shocked to find one near our home - the playground. And one whom I thought was a friendly neighbour!!!

The bully is a 8-9 year old boy staying 2 storeys below our unit. He is the 2nd born to a family of 3 kids. The only boy, in fact. One could tell he is the apple of his father's and grandma's eyes. His mother is a very sweet, demure lady from China whom I think deserves respect for being a very considerate neighbour and brought her 2 daughters up well. What happened to the boy then? Well, I suspect he is the typical spoilt brat raised in a family where the male species are thought to be of greater "value" and "class".

It was a breezy evening when Ya-Ya decided to bring the munchkins to the playground on her own so I could have a peaceful meal. There were quite a number of children playing, so En decided to stay on her tricycle while Xuan charged to the slide (as usual). Ya-Ya decided to stick around with Xuan while keeping an eye on En from a distance. That was when the boy took the opportunity to prey on En.

No one knew exactly when happened since En's vocabulary is very limited. What Ya-Ya saw was the boy standing next to En's tricycle, holding her left hand which was on the handlebars. En was seen trembling as though in pain or fear. Ya-Ya sensed something unusual, so she ran towards the "crime scene". The boy then ran off to join his elder sister.

En wailed loudly the moment she saw Ya-Ya. She then show Ya-Ya her left hand and said the word "painful." There, on her little hand (near her wrist), was a fresh cut apparently caused by finger nails sinking into her tender flesh. When asked what happened to her wrist, she answered "Gor-Gor". #$%^&*!!! I can't believe my little girl was assaulted at the playground by a familiar face!!! Anyway, the outraged Ya-Ya signalled the boy to join her and gave him a good dressing down. Ya-Ya also told the boy's sister about the incident, and polite girl quickly apologised on her brother's behalf.

Ya-Ya brought the girls straight home thereafter. En was still crying when she showed me her fresh wound. Lately, she also displayed higher level of anxiety whenever there are boys at the playground. I believe she had been badly traumatised by the incident.

While I have been teaching my girls to love one another and not to be violent, what happened this time round prompted me to share "self defense" with them as well. I feel it is a "life skill", especially for girls. And I told myself I will give the boy a piece of mind the next time I see him in the neighbourhood. And I will insist he apologise to En, even if the scar on her wrist is no longer visible.

The Skeezites

“I’ll make sure my kids never knew fear, except the fear of the Lord”. I said that to myself, holding my newborn twins 2 years ago. I’m not going to instill fear in their tiny little hearts & minds like my parents did (unconsciously) when I was young. The twins shall not fear creepy insects (eg. roaches which I absolutely detest more than fear), darkness, lightning, “ghosts”, etc.

Months passed by and the twins grew, fearless indeed. Then at some point, they began to start running away from creepy little things like lizards and bugs. I read that their imagination gets wilder as they enter toddlerhood, so we try our best to assure them those insects are harmless. As time passes, however, when the munchkins get out of hand at times, family members (myself included) unconsciously start to insinuate some form of fear in the little ones. For example, hinting that lizards are hiding in some corners of the storage room when they insist on entering. How ironical!!! I could finally understand where my parents (or every parent) were coming from when they had to confront an innocent toddler while at their wits end. And this truth finally dawned on me a few nights ago.

Alright, some background information first. What happened was the munchkins were taking advantage of Ya-Ya since her return to Singapore. Both would take turns to want to have milk feed in the middle of the night (they slept through when I take charge) and after following her to kitchen to get their milk prepared, they would insist on having their milk on the sofa, and thereafter, refuse to return to their bedroom. Poor Ya-Ya had to camp in the living hall with no room for her on the sofa!

To prevent similar episodes from occurring again, while watching the Barbie Mariposa DVD with the munchkins one evening, I lied by bringing the movie to “life”. I told the munchkins very sternly that they are not allowed to leave their bedroom at night and camp out in the hall because the Skeezites (some form of evil flying bugs which feed on butterfly fairies like Mariposa) would be waiting for them in the dark. If they should request for milk, they would have to consume the milk in their bedroom. And I went on to illustrate (as per the movie) how the Skeezites were too huge to enter small spaces (eg. their bedroom) and were afraid of bright lights.

True enough, the same night, both girls were awake at 2am. En asked to leave the bedroom while Xuan asked for milk. I walked into their room and reminded them of the Skeezites. Having reached an agreement that everyone will stay in the kitchen where lights will be on while I prepare the milk, we headed for the kitchen. For once, I managed to have the munchkins seated on the floor, waiting patiently. The moment I was done, the entire platoon marched back to the bedroom without a fuss. And the best part was, both of them knocked out as soon as they finished their milk.

While I was quite glad things ended on a happy note and they slept through the following nights, I was extremely guilty when Xuan (watching the same DVD, seated on my sister’s lap) said the word “scared” while pointing to the Skeezites yesterday. Did I do wrong? Should I have adopted another approach? I don’t know, seriously… But I think I will tell them the truth in another year or two. They probably know the truth by then but you know what, I’d rather confess. Sorry, girls…

Future to See

I've been too busy the few days, trying to adapt to my new found “freedom”. After slogging for a good 16 days straight with two sick, cranky toddlers, a frustrated husband and managing chores without a maid, my tensed muscles were finally able to relax.

To those who had been praying for the munchkins since their first day in playgroup, thank you very much! En & Xuan are healthy, happy and adjusting well to with their “academic” life. I’m so encouraged, perhaps because it makes me feel the decision to stay at home to care for them for the past 27 months had finally paid off. Watching them put on their shoes every evening when I fetch them from school is a delightful sight. I get even more excited when I hear new words from their mouth. It’s hard to believe they are picking up so much knowledge within a short span of time.

At the same time, I’m also thrilled to see the other parts of my life fall in place. If you recall my plans to go for a career switch, I've submitted my application for a 3 year full time course which will commence in April. Though I have yet to pass the interview by the sponsoring institution, I’m quite certain I will make it through. In fact, I've just been called up for a one-day attachment/assessment in the coming week! Gosh, I’m beginning to find the excitement a little overwhelming by now!

While my head is in a whirl, my mind is pretty clear and I pray I will be able to balance family & work/school life beautifully when the plans actually materialised. Life will become more challenging than it is now. I fear for myself (and my family) at times when I think about the years ahead. But I know the best solution (which is also the only solution) is to pray, pray and pray.

If I ever complain about anything here later on when things doesn’t worked out the way I wanted them to, please be patient with me, my friend. And if you can, gently remind me the old hymn that goes “I don’t know what holds tomorrow. But I know who holds my hand…”

"Fret not about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

Back to School

Its the first day of school for the brand new year. En & Xuan went back to playgroup today. Finally, a well deserved break awaits us, right? Wrong!!! Di and I spent the entire morning packing up the Christmas tree and spring cleaning the house. What to do? My OCD over cleanliness at work again...

Fortunately, the girls were not as cranky as we expected them to when they started school this morning. There were still tears at the gate but I guess the other freshies (the kiddos who started PG today) kind of "out last" them in terms of cry duration, so the munchkins "resigned to fate" and settled for breakfast instead.

As of now, we're still counting down. It will be 3 more days before Ya-Ya's return. I hope my sanity stays in place till then...

Thank You

It has been 11 days since Ya-Ya left for her home in Philippines. She will be back here in SG 5 days’ time. Counting down? Of course! Our initial intent is to have the girls start attending childcare before Ya-Ya leave SG was so that Di and I could have a break while they were in school. After all, the last 2 weeks of the year were filled with holidays, so half the time we had to manage them at home, and we parents deserve a break, isn't it?

Well, if only things always go as planned. The girls adapted well in school. But they caught a cold on Christmas night and started developing fever, runny nose, cough and God knows what else. So we had them quarantined at home from then. Meaning, Di and I had been caring for them 24/7 for the past 7 days. Tiring? That’s an understatement!

I could tell Di was on the verge of breaking down last night when En refused her medication. The poor gal had been on it for days and finally threw in the towel. We battled with her for nearly an hour before she succumbs to our “evil plot”. Physically exhausted and mentally drained, both of us were speechless after that. We just didn't have the energy to even sigh…

Its New Year Eve and we had nothing planned. For the past years, Di and I would look forward to fireworks display from our full view windows as well as ships/ocean liners berthing nearby. Tonight, we were just looking forward to bed time. Can you beat that? Hee...

Nevertheless, I'd like to take this opportunity to express my heartfelt thanks to all who had been very supportive over the past one year. Apart from God (the reason I live and survived to date), from the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Di for being supportive of whatever decision I made despite our differences. My very special thanks to my dad who never fail to turn up at my doorstep (rain or shine) whenever help was needed at my place. Not forgetting my 3 gorgeous sisters who were always ready to lend a helping hand. Last but not least, my in-laws, godparents-in-laws, Ling, Ya-Ya and many others who mean so much to me, thank you! Thank you very much indeed!

And to my dearest little dinosaurettes – Thank You too. You may be rascals, but you are MINE. I love you both. *Muaks*

Playgroup Updates

An update on playgroup (PG) experience.

3rd day (Wednesday)
En & Xuan managed to stretch their stay in PG beyond lunch hours. They had their shower (as they did on the 1st & 2nd day) and surprisingly took their 2 hour nap in school for the first time. Gong Gong and I pick them up at 3pm. Xuan was all teary when she saw us but En walked out happily, struggling to carry her little load of personal loot.

4th day (Thursday)
Both girls cried for a minutes at the door. Teachers had to carry them in. But it was obvious by now they do not detest school. They were simply more interested in the amenities which were leading to their school, and found it hard to accept the fact we are not going to these amenities. I guess the morning struggle will have to go on for quite a while since there is no alternative route to their "campus". At pickup time, Xuan ran to the door but no tears this time. En was nowhere in sight and we had to wait for quite a while. It turned out our little friend was taking her own sweet time munching her tea time snack. :)

5th day (Friday)
The usual 1-minute drama took place at the door again. Peace returned the moment they were distracted by some toys and their new friends. We could hear kids cheering for them and calling their names. Peeping through the windows, we saw older kids from Nursery sharing toys with them. Such angels! As Fridays are exclusively set aside for Gong-Gong, we went to pick them up at 3pm again. One of the girls in Nursery had just celebrated her birthday with a large cake, so we had to wait for 30 minutes, so the girls could slowly savour their share of the yummy dessert. Both came to the gate smiling today.

We were all hoping things would continue to be this smooth in the weeks to come, especially since Ya-Ya had left us on Saturday night. The girls had also made new friends in school, particularly Ran and Kel. I bet I'll hear a lot about these kids in future.

P/S: This morning (6th day), both girls cried before reaching school because Di and I refuse to bring them to the nearby playground. At the gate, both were still crying. However, En walked in without kicking a fuss while Xuan reached out voluntarily to her teacher to be carried. *Phew* Can't help but thank God for answered prayers!

Separation Anxiety

Separation Anxiety is probably what I’m going through now. The munchkins officially entered Playgroup 2 days ago. The past 2 mornings while they were away, I had to plan things to do and get my mind/time filled with chores (i.e. housekeeping, marketing, run errands, etc.), just so I could be distracted from that awful feeling of “losing my kids” when I’m actually the one losing my mind.

Gong-Gong (my dad) is probably suffering from the same "disease" as me. I suspect so because he kept “appearing” at our home the past 2 weeks, taking a share of the quality time which I’m trying my best to spend with the kids. Anyway, to keep Gong-Gong occupied, I have already made arrangements with the Playgroup staff to release the munchkins 2 hours earlier every Friday. That would be Gong-Gong’s weekly playdate with them.

On the other hand, I’m also kind of relieved that the girls are settling down pretty well in school. En, in particular, adapted so well, she took all of us by surprise. She cried for a mere 30 seconds then proceeded to play with toys on her first day. She was also seen holding the hands of a teacher whom she wasn’t introduced to previously. Still waters run deep indeed!!!

Xuan, on the other hand, wailed so loudly for nearly an hour. I pitied the staff but it was really out of my hands. Di, Ya Ya and I were watching them from outside the school because we agreed not to accompany the munchkins right from the start, so they could adapt faster. This is truly a matter of "letting go and letting God"!

Then we saw a huge improvement in Xuan on the second day because she only wailed for a good 7 minutes, and she performed even better today – 3 minutes. My guess is she will continue to throw a tantrum every morning but the duration will get shorter each day. Hopefully the wailing will stop by the end of the second week.

Alright, that's all for updates for now. Gotta go… Time to find some errands to keep myself occupied before the thought of the munchkins fill my mind again. Ciao!

Bitten

Few days ago, we had a little playdate with the girls from the unit opposite ours. The girls’ mommy invited En and Xuan to their house to play when her daughters were about to return home, so I accepted the invitation and brought them over.

When Ya Ya was done cooking dinner, she shouted for the munchkins to go home for their meals. As usual, Xuan was having so much fun, she refused. Out of desperation after a few failed attempts to “lure” her home, I told her we’re going to the playground. She ran to me enthusiastically right away.

However, the scene turned ugly when I brought her back to our home for dinner instead. Despite constant assurance that we’ll go to the playground after her meal, the playful girl refuse to have her meal. In the face of a meltdown, I had to give the hysterical toddler a time-out which further upsets her. While I was trying to comfort her, Xuan “loses” her mind and sank her teeth (all 18 of them!) right into my shoulders!!! It’s the first time I suffered a bite since her infant days when she was teething. And mind you, she had only gums those days and it already hurt. Can you imagine her full set of teeth sinking into the meaty part of my shoulder? I thank God I was not wearing sleeveless top that day or I’ll be left with a nasty scar.

Well, she did apologised immediately when I pushed her away from me and yell (yes, I yelled because I was hurt and in pain) at her for the ungrateful act. At the same time, I also felt extremely apologetic myself for lying to her. Lesson to be learned? Never lie to your kids, no matter what.

Growth

The past month since the munchkins turned 2 had been a very “thrilling” experience. This is mainly due to the exponential growth in their ability to express themselves. Words are starting to flow from their mouth and at times, coupled with some actions which they kind of “invented” it themselves.

Before, their languages were limited to a single syllables, and very narrow range of words. Then they start to blurt out words we used on a daily basis, or when they point out to things they come across or in books, and sometimes they just “narrate” after the adults or DVDs. Our home became a lot noisier now.

I vaguely remember how their doctor put it in one of our visits to his clinic. He said “When the speech centre in their brain start to mature, words will flow. By then, you may not even be able to stop them from talking. So count your blessing that you are still able to enjoy some peaceful moments now.” How true!!!

Despite efforts to ensure we adults speak positively and “mind” our language, the girls still pick up some words from our conversation and reiterate them. Ya-Ya was sharing with me something about my sister’s maid one morning, and she said the word “dai” which means “girl” in her native language. Xuan was playing right next to me when she stood up all of a sudden and said “Die!” with her index finger bend slightly. It was so funny I nearly died laughing. None of us remember using this gesture to indicate death. Strange…

When I finally “reclaimed” my composure, I asked her “Who taught you that, baby? Did something or someone die?” Our dear friend then proudly wriggled her thumbs and index fingers (as if she is singing the song “Eensy Weensy Spider”), said “Ga-Ga died” before bouncing off happily back to her toys. For those who are not familiar with teochew (a local dialect), “Ga-Ga” means insects.

Such innocence… No wonder our Lord says "Verily I say unto you, unless ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 18:3-4 NKJV)

Struggle

Its been nearly a month since I last posted. What was the reason? I wanted to spend more quality time with the munchkins before they both end up "institutionalised". Oops! I mean before they start attending full day childcare in January 2009.

A month ago, I was reading the blog of a friend who just started to place her twins in day care facilities because she was returning to the workforce, she mentioned “this deep pall of sadness” that's settled over her. And I went “Sh**! I bet I’m going to feel the same way when the munchkins start attending playgroup in Jan.”

And I was darn right! Except… I’m beginning to feel it NOW!!! Its only November and my heart seemed to ache whenever the thought of “surrendering” my 2 girls into the hands of strangers (though I've met and spoke with the supervisor numerous times) enters my pea brain. It started 2 days ago when the childcare centre called to inform me there will be 3 vacancies available in December, of which 2 had been reserved for the munchkins. I then asked for 24 hours to reconsider my initial decision and to discuss with Di.

You see, some time earlier this year, I requested the school to put us on waiting list for early entry in December though the official entry date was January 2009. Reason being Ya-Ya going on home leave in mid December, so sending the kids to school a month earlier seemed like the best thing to do. At that time, we were not sure if Di would be able to get leave clearance and even if he could, I’m rather “concerned” if he can survive the 16 days of daddy-hood with the munchkins at home while I continue my mommy role, plus manage the household chores.

However, Di got lots of “practical” sessions with the girls lately while I was busy attending gatherings and catching up with friends on weekends and public holidays. Some changes to his job scope also allowed him to obtain leave clearance during December. I was pleasantly surprised when he told me he is looking forward to the year end, though he is also praying for co-operation from his princesses while Ya-Ya is away.

Now, with that in mind, I was expecting Di to reject the early entry offer. Then as usual, Di’s response goes “Up to you. You decide.” Arrggghhhh… I struggled. And the two sides of my pea brain began a series of debate.

Left: Its only a month earlier. What’s the big deal?

Right: But they've a life time ahead of them to go to school. Shouldn't we just spare them for a month?

Left: They’ll enjoy school. There are things to learn, other kids to play with, things which they can never experience with you at home, so just let go and let God.

Right: I know… But they’re only two…

Left: They will still be two when you send them to school in January. What are you talking about???!!!

Right: I just feel bad… If I have to work and Di is not available in Dec, then we have legitimate reasons to send them earlier. But look! We’re both available, so why should we start them in Dec?

Left: If they start earlier, they won’t end up “frightened” by all the freshies (kids who enter in Jan 09) who’ll cry for their parents during the first week. Let them be the only ones crying in Dec, so teachers can comfort and focus on them. When new term starts in Jan, they’ll be more or less settled down, and not affected at all by the initial mayhem.

Right: You think so??? I’m not sure…

Left: Okay, think of how they annoy you at home? Think of those times when they fight for attention and toys! How about those occasions when they were extremely mischievous?

Right: Hmmm… I think its time they go to school.

I called the supervisor the following day. But at the very last minute, I decided they will start in mid December (the week before Ya-Ya goes home) instead of 1st December.

Since that phone call ended, I didn't feel any better. Tinges of sadness still linger and it has nothing with them starting childcare earlier. I guess all mothers sending their kids to childcare for the first time, whether their kids are 2 months, 2 years or older, feel the same sense of sadness and loss. It is one thing to understand the benefits of sending children to day care facilities. It is another to have your own toddlers walk through those school gates.

This feeling will probably linger on for some time still, and perhaps intensify as mid December approaches. Nevertheless, I have to keep my faith and believe God will make a way. He’ll take extra good care of my munchkins, and while they begin to fall in love with school, I’ll be able to move on with His plans for me.

Till then, pray with me.