Struggle

Its been nearly a month since I last posted. What was the reason? I wanted to spend more quality time with the munchkins before they both end up "institutionalised". Oops! I mean before they start attending full day childcare in January 2009.

A month ago, I was reading the blog of a friend who just started to place her twins in day care facilities because she was returning to the workforce, she mentioned “this deep pall of sadness” that's settled over her. And I went “Sh**! I bet I’m going to feel the same way when the munchkins start attending playgroup in Jan.”

And I was darn right! Except… I’m beginning to feel it NOW!!! Its only November and my heart seemed to ache whenever the thought of “surrendering” my 2 girls into the hands of strangers (though I've met and spoke with the supervisor numerous times) enters my pea brain. It started 2 days ago when the childcare centre called to inform me there will be 3 vacancies available in December, of which 2 had been reserved for the munchkins. I then asked for 24 hours to reconsider my initial decision and to discuss with Di.

You see, some time earlier this year, I requested the school to put us on waiting list for early entry in December though the official entry date was January 2009. Reason being Ya-Ya going on home leave in mid December, so sending the kids to school a month earlier seemed like the best thing to do. At that time, we were not sure if Di would be able to get leave clearance and even if he could, I’m rather “concerned” if he can survive the 16 days of daddy-hood with the munchkins at home while I continue my mommy role, plus manage the household chores.

However, Di got lots of “practical” sessions with the girls lately while I was busy attending gatherings and catching up with friends on weekends and public holidays. Some changes to his job scope also allowed him to obtain leave clearance during December. I was pleasantly surprised when he told me he is looking forward to the year end, though he is also praying for co-operation from his princesses while Ya-Ya is away.

Now, with that in mind, I was expecting Di to reject the early entry offer. Then as usual, Di’s response goes “Up to you. You decide.” Arrggghhhh… I struggled. And the two sides of my pea brain began a series of debate.

Left: Its only a month earlier. What’s the big deal?

Right: But they've a life time ahead of them to go to school. Shouldn't we just spare them for a month?

Left: They’ll enjoy school. There are things to learn, other kids to play with, things which they can never experience with you at home, so just let go and let God.

Right: I know… But they’re only two…

Left: They will still be two when you send them to school in January. What are you talking about???!!!

Right: I just feel bad… If I have to work and Di is not available in Dec, then we have legitimate reasons to send them earlier. But look! We’re both available, so why should we start them in Dec?

Left: If they start earlier, they won’t end up “frightened” by all the freshies (kids who enter in Jan 09) who’ll cry for their parents during the first week. Let them be the only ones crying in Dec, so teachers can comfort and focus on them. When new term starts in Jan, they’ll be more or less settled down, and not affected at all by the initial mayhem.

Right: You think so??? I’m not sure…

Left: Okay, think of how they annoy you at home? Think of those times when they fight for attention and toys! How about those occasions when they were extremely mischievous?

Right: Hmmm… I think its time they go to school.

I called the supervisor the following day. But at the very last minute, I decided they will start in mid December (the week before Ya-Ya goes home) instead of 1st December.

Since that phone call ended, I didn't feel any better. Tinges of sadness still linger and it has nothing with them starting childcare earlier. I guess all mothers sending their kids to childcare for the first time, whether their kids are 2 months, 2 years or older, feel the same sense of sadness and loss. It is one thing to understand the benefits of sending children to day care facilities. It is another to have your own toddlers walk through those school gates.

This feeling will probably linger on for some time still, and perhaps intensify as mid December approaches. Nevertheless, I have to keep my faith and believe God will make a way. He’ll take extra good care of my munchkins, and while they begin to fall in love with school, I’ll be able to move on with His plans for me.

Till then, pray with me.