Xuan

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone had a great time together with their loved ones today. While we're not exactly celebrating the occasion, we're more than grateful we didn't have to spend this day at the KK Children's Hospital. Thank you, God!!!

For your information, I decided to name this post "Xuan" not because I have to write something about her after naming the previous one "En". Although I try to be as fair as I can as a parent and friend to the munchkins, there are times where its hard to practice what I preach. Nobody's perfect, let's face it.

Then why name this post "Xuan"? Because there is something about Xuan which we have to deal with now. Her childcare teacher called yesterday to find out En's condition, and at the same time, share with me something she observed in Xuan. Well, I must admit that deep inside, I have a feeling I knew what she was going to say but was hoping I'd be wrong... Well, a mother's instinct is almost always right.

Her teacher observed signs of insecurity in Xuan in the past week. She decided to discuss with me when Xuan refused to let part with her Dora pouch (which I bought for her this week) in school, clinging on to it as though her life depended on it. "She was never like this before. I feel she reacted this way because everyone's attention is on En this week. Do you think so, Mrs Yeo?" asked her teacher.

I had to agree. I'm one of the culprits who were not sensitive enough to my little girl's needs. I have no reasons to find excuses for myself, claiming that En needs me more in times like this. There were a number of occasions where I saw disappointment in Xuan's eyes this week, but I told myself I'll make up for it later on when En recovers. I was so wrong.

After sharing with Di and Ya-Ya about the teacher's observation, we decided we'll be more sensitive towards Xuan. But we are only humans, and what took place today made me feel worse than ever. This morning, En cried when Xuan took a piece of toy which she wanted but was too weak to reach for it. Ya-Ya told Xuan nicely to let En have the toy first and reiterate the fact that En is not well. Xuan then took a step forward, passed the toy to En quietly and turned away. One could almost see the hurt in her eyes!!! And the next thing we knew, she took a bite on her right arm!

Then in the afternoon, when I carried the frail En out of her bedroom after her nap, Xuan was seen happily sipping a cup of cooled Barley drink which Gong Gong had bought. Upon seeing En, the anxious Gong Gong hurriedly took the cup from Xuan and offered to En for fear that En would further dehydrate, but he too, failed to see the hurt in Xuan's eyes. Before I could react, there goes another bite on Xuan's arm.

Was Xuan trying to alleviate her hurt by transferring the pain onto her arms? We don't know... I've had friends complaining about their kids biting other children in the childcare centre. I've also been told stories involving sibling rivalry. Yet today, I find myself in no better shape than these friends. The only difference in our story is - the child inflicting and receiving hurt is one and the same - my Xuan.

Parenting is hard work. Not the physical aspect. At least not for me. The challenging part comes in the form of discipline and nurturing kids the way it is most beneficial to them. For Xuan, I supposed my utmost critical task on hand is to pray (for her and myself), shower her with lots of love and provide her assurance that in my heart, she will never be any less important than her twin sister. Seriously, I cannot think of any better solution at the moment. My brain is already operating at maximum capacity and my heart is still aching from the series of events. None of my other organs are capable of contributing to the topic at this moment... Oops, guess I'm not making any sense already. My brain is probably on the verge of entering "sleep" mode...

Sorry, Xuan. Mommy's very tired... But I do love you. Please be patient with me...