Faith like a Mustard Seed

And Jesus said unto them, "Because of your unbelief; for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, `Remove hence to yonder place,' and it shall remove. And nothing shall be impossible unto you. - Matthew 17:20 (NKJV)

For years I have been equipped with the knowledge of this Bible verse. In fact, my name is a constant reminder of this verse! However, my faith can get as weak as one can imagine, especially where the munchkins are concerned. Every time my children are down physically, my faith is challenged. Don't get me wrong. I do not doubt my Lord and Saviour. But my defences aren't as strong at times like these... And HE knows. So He works in His special way to bring me to higher grounds, just so I could see better and further.

The night she was ill, I had En sat on my lap and cradled her little head in my arms. She was drowsy as a result of the medication, but still she managed to pray with me for complete healing. Our little prayer ended with a simple "We believe in Your healing and we receive. Amen."

A few minutes later, in a moment of weakness, and perhaps out of desperation, I asked her "Darling, do you really believe Jesus can heal you?"

"Yes", replied En with such affirmative tone.

"Why?" asked the foolish mommy, who was at the verge of breaking down from stress and fatigue.

"Because Jesus is good and He is happy!" was the answer from the 3-year-old.

From that very moment, I had to ask my Lord for forgiveness of sin. My kid understands the basic, simple truth which I'm so blinded to at times --- The Lord is able and willing to heal (or forgive, teach, guide, prosper, etc. Just fill in the blank!) And all He ask of us is simply believe.

To date, we are still praying and believing for complete healing for En, and I still have my moments of weakness at times. But I am reminded of the simple truth every time I am tempted to "stray". And I cannot thank the Lord enough for His grace that has kept me going. Praise the Lord.

Priotise

First of all, I'd like to thank all who expressed their concerns and prayers for En. After some aggressive treatment including oral steroids and Combivent via the nebuliser (apparently the Ventolin inhaler wasn't effective this time because En's breath was too shallow for the medication to get to the lungs), the wheezing began to fade. Doctor advise to put her on long term antihistamine until the weather change for the better. In fact, the same apply to Xuan as well since she is also hypersensitive to weather changes.

En stayed at home for the entire week because in the midst of the wheezing episode, she suffered stomach flu as well. (Poor gal!) One could tell her immune system had been badly compromised. Anyway, we thank God we learnt our lessons from the previous experience (where she lost consciousness after few days of diarrhea) and sent her for medical review right away, so she didn't have to suffer as much this time round.

Now that En is much better, I have to start to catch up with my studies and be prepared for the challenges starting in 2 week's time. My schedule is so ridiculously packed, I sometimes wonder how I can survive this semester without neglecting my family.

Then I am reminded of my personal philosophy "In life, you win some, you lose some". Can I afford to lose some marks, live with lower grade and pass my exams with less than satisfactory results? YES, I can. Because the grades doesn't matter as much as my family members does to me. When I learnt that my cousin's teenage son died in a car accident over the weekend, I was badly "hit" as well. Even though I knew my nephew is now home with the Lord, I cannot imagine the loss and grief my cousin had to bear. She loved him so much...

Any of you having problems prioritising? What does it cost you to let go of some of the not-so-important appointments, gatherings or even commitments, just so you could spend some quality time with your family? Think, think, think...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice because the same water that had passed will never pass again.

- author unknown.

Insomnia

Tonight is going to be a sleepless night for me. Something I have not experienced for a long, long time...

En is wheezing badly again, and the symptoms doesn't seemed to go away despite administering 4 dozes of Ventolin at one go. The fear of her turning breathless grips me like nothing I can describe. I am physically tired yet my mind couldn't "switch off" because I am in fear - fear of having to send my girl to the emergency department again while I watch helplessly at a corner...

Those of you parents out there whose kids suffer from asthma may think I'm over-reacting. I am, indeed, and I must confess that my fears could be unfounded to some extend. But my heart weighs a million tonnes because I am guilty. It was exactly the same time last year when she developed similar signs, and I, being the full time caregiver, dismissed it as common cough symptoms. The foolishness in me simply didn't realise my girl was in need of help, leading to her subsequent episodes of chest infections, surgery and finally bronchopneumonia. The damage done was much more than expected and some were permanent. She is more susceptible to infections and airway obstruction (call it asthma if you like) ever since. Whenever she falls ill due to respiratory issues, I feel responsible. I know I need to get out of this bottomless guilt pit but...

God has forgiven me. It is the big ME in me who finds it hard to forgive myself. Pray for me, my friends. I needed your prayers... Got to go serve the midnight dose of Ventolin now. I bet I can hear the coughing even in my sleep...

Birthday Prayer

Dear Lord

I’ll turn 36 in less than an hour. The birthday cake was cut yesterday, together with the girls and Di, in the comfort of our home. It was so sweet of Di to get YaYa a birthday cake in advance as well, so we had 2 different cakes for breakfast! Yummy!

And there was also the lunch and tea session with my pals last Saturday, and another lunch and tea session with my siblings on Wednesday. I thank You that I am indeed very blessed with so many loved ones around me, and I really have nothing more to ask for.

Reeling through the past year, I thank You for answering all my prayers. The list of answered prayers is too long to be posted here, so I thought I’d just share a few below:

• I asked for strength and courage to face challenges, as well as wisdom to discern situations, and You were there for me whenever I needed guidance, be it in school or at work.
• I asked You to prosper Di, and he did really well at work.
• I asked for favour upon the munchkins in the childcare centre, and they were well loved by their teachers, the staff and all their friends (including those from Playgroup and K2, which I just came to learn about recently). Thank You very much!

The coming year would still be a challenge to me as I continue to play the role of a wife, mother, daughter, sister, student, employee, employer, friend, etc. Family still, and will always, come first, and I also hope this coming year would be a year of spiritual breakthrough for my family. This is especially so for the children as I try to demonstrate to them the importance of loving You wholeheartedly. May You continue to be the head of this house hold.

In Jesus' name, amen.

And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. – Deuteronomy 6:5 (NKJV)

Imperfection

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. - James 1:17 (NKJV)

As I sit by in the munchkin's bed earlier, watching the 2 girls sleep peacefully, I started wondering if I had been a good mother to them. What can I do to make myself a better mother?

Through moments of quiet, self reflection, I wondered if I was too hard on them (and myself) at times, despite constant reminders (to myself) to let them grow as kids ought to. Then it strike my mind that striving to become perfect is not even half as challenging as coming to terms with imperfection. And to my precious, dearest Lord, thank you for reminding me that the beauty of life lies in its imperfection. Thank you very much, once again!

Three Years Old

The munchkins turned three yesterday. Three!!! Wow! All it seemed to take was the blink of an eye and my sweetie pies are now preschoolers.

Looking back, I love having them as toddlers despite those difficult moments when communication was a major challenge. Now that we've overcome the "language barrier", I somehow missed their babbles and having to guess what they really wanted from their incoherent behaviour and seemingly meaningless speech fashion. Strange...

Nevertheless, their 3rd birthday was a memorable one to the munchkins, or so I believe. Their previous birthdays (only twice to be exact!) were all planned by me and there wasn't much involvement on their part except to be present during the party and cut the cakes. This time round was different. They started off the day with the family (aka Di, myself and Ya Ya) singing them a birthday song and a palm size birthday cake for each of them for breakfast. Its "tradition" that each of them should have their own birthday cake, even if its a small one, to remind us they are two separate individuals even though they are identicals. Gong Gong was sweet enough to purchase those cakes the night before (thanks, dad!). The girls left for school after that, looking forward to receiving their much bigger birthday cake and the afternoon tea party with their friends in the childcare centre.

By 3pm, Di, myself, Gong Gong and Teng (my sister) were outside the school gate while the teachers changed the girls into their "party" dress. Once we entered the school premise, we were greeted by a group of sleepy-heads (some looked as if they were still in dreamland after their nap). There, right in the front of a cubicle, was a wooden table with a Hello Kitty cake on it. En & Xuan were seated in front of the cake like princesses from the royal family. Kekeke...



Okay, side track a bit on the choice of the cake. About 3 months ago, I started asking what cake they would like to have for their birthday. And over the 3-month period, I gathered answers like Strawberry Shortcake, Princess Ariel, Snow White, Aurora, Belle, Hello Kitty, Little Einsteins, Pooh Bear, Dora, Mickey Mouse, Barbie Mariposa, Cars (aka Lightning McQueen), Tweety, blah blah blah... They were changing their minds every other day, so I decided to pick my personal favourite - yes, the kitty without a mouth or otherwise known as Hello Kitty or HK in short. Anyway, the munchkins kind of rekindled their love and interest for the kitty lately when Teng bought them each a HK candy house and HK doll house. San-yee even promised to buy them HK birthday presents from Sanrio Land on her holiday trip to Japan.

Back in the school, while the children were happily feasting on the cake, all the Playgroup kids had at least one portrait taken by Di. Di was amazed at how responsive the kids were and he was glad the children enjoyed having their photos taken by him. A plus point for the photographer! Then I was told to be prepared to bring a portion of the cake back home because I overestimated the size of the cake (I ordered a 3kg instead of 2kg). Surprisingly, most of the kids asked for a second helping and the entire cake was nearly gone in 30 minutes. Whew!!! I'm so comforted to know the kids love the cake.

En & Xuan received their birthday gifts from the teachers and friends before we left with them. We had coffee at the mall before leading them to Kiddy Palace. Both were so excited they were allowed to choose a gift of their choice. En chose a Cinderella top with matching skirt while Xuan opt for a layered, pastel coloured dress. They had another set of white skirts and a new "Barbie and The Three Musketeers" DVD as bonus gifts. All the gifts were paid for by Da-yee (thank you so much!!!). We then left the mall to fetch san-yee from RP and there, the girls received their loots from Sanrio Land wrapped in pretty HK packaging.

And guess what? Its not over yet.. . Xiao-yee is returning from Beijing this weekend, hence there will be another special delivery of birthday gifts next week. In addition, plans have been made to take the girls off school for 2 days so I can spend some time with them since I'm having my term break. So much for their birthday activities! No wonder they are so reluctant to return to school today... :p

Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease

The past 3 weeks had been extremely eventful. During my miserable 5-day study week and the following week where I had to sit for my last 5 examination papers, En and Xuan took turns to have viral fever. En later developed wheezing sound in the lungs and was ordered by the doctor to stay at home for a week. As a result, I had sleepless nights and stressful days while trying to cope with her condition, my revision as well as the examination.

When both the munchkins were finally back in school, I started my clinical posting. Just when I thought all was going well, I received a call from the childcare centre on a Friday afternoon about Xuan’s temperature again. She was brought home earlier and we didn’t find anything unusual about her, so we just provided symptomatic treatment when necessary.

Then the siren in my head went off 2 days later on a Sunday when I spotted one blister on her arm and one on her leg. She already had one near her lips on Friday and I thought it was just a normal blister (Note: the blisters were neither on her palms nor sole, just one each on her arm and leg). Still, Di and I decided to dig out that HFMD brochure given by the childcare centre earlier this year to have a second look. Nothing conclusive, Di thought.

However, while exchanging SMS with one of my classmates who is also a mother of two, she mentioned her kids once had HFMD with no symptoms at all except ulcers in the mouth. I decided to check Xuan’s oral cavity. There I found numerous angry looking red spots in her upper jaw area leading to the back of her mouth. To be doubly sure, I checked En’s and the same area in En’s mouth was perfectly, healthy pink looking. Viola! That’s it!!!

So we brought Xuan to the clinic and confirmed it was indeed HFMD. We were prepared to quarantine En at home despite knowing its best to isolate her from Xuan. Anyway, she could be carrying the virus already (the incubation period is known to be 3-5 days), we thought we’d just leave things to God. And God was prompt in confirming our prayer this time. By the following morning, En started to develop blisters on her arms and legs too.

We were thankful Xuan’s case was a mild one. A week had past and she had merely 4-5 blisters on her. She had low grade fever and was able to eat everything and anything. Poor En suffered a lot more. She had fever above 39 degrees, painful ulcers in her mouth hence unable to eat or drink (not even ice-cream) and painful blisters on her upper, lower limbs and groin region (only a few on the palm and sole). She was literally crying throughout the entire Tuesday.

Now that it’s all over, we’re more than happy to release them from their “imprisonment” as they are officially allowed to venture beyond the 4 walls of our home. Their patience was obviously wearing thinner as the days passed as we kept telling them they can only go out when the blisters are all gone. I told En on Saturday night “You can only go out if Dr. Lim says you can do so. We will go to his clinic tomorrow.” Immediately on Sunday morning, she woke up and told me “Mommy, today is Sunday. Dr. Lim said I can go out already.” But we have not even seen the doctor!!! Kekeke…

Well, it may have been a very challenging month for the family, but we certainly had grown closer after having to face one another within the 4 walls of this house day in and day out. Now, we look forward to an exciting month in September where En & Xuan are going to be the flower girls for my cousin, Kelyn’s, wedding. In October, the munchkins will celebrate their 3rd birthday. And for the first time in their life, they’ll be celebrating their birthday with their own friends in the childcare centre. Praise the Lord!

Imagination

I had the privilege of enjoying the life of a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) again starting from Wednesday last week. It is study week before my first exam paper this coming Friday. This short-live privilege had brought much joy to me thus far, and was a great stress reliever at times when I couldn't retain much of my revision materials.

Now, what makes this temporary SAHM status (versus being a full time home maker previously) more enjoyable is the munchkins' current development. Their ability to converse makes it challenging yet funfilled to spend time with them. And to top it up, their wild imagination, ability to infer and assume or whatever you want to call it, will either make you laugh or drive you insane.

Last Wednesday, when it was bedtime, the girls wanted to bring their favourite story books to their room, and I agreed. En picked ‘Sharks – Big Bigger Biggest’ while Xuan chose ‘The Three Billy-Goats Gruff’. After lights off, Xuan continue to “read” the book in the dark, and here’s how the conversation among the 3 of us went:

Mom: Xuan, put away the book. Nobody reads in the dark. You’ll spoil your eyes.

En: Mommy, cannot read in the dark, right? You’ll spoil your eyes.

Mom: Yes, you’re right. Xuan, you hear me? (Xuan ignored my request and continue reading.)

En: Xuan, cannot read in the dark! You’ll spoil your eyes!!! Like Lao Ma! (referring to my grandma who is also the munchkins’ great grandmother. She is visually impaired for the past decade.)

Xuan: Lao Ma is blind! Her eyes spoil. (Err... She seemed to respond to her sister better???)

Mom: Do you know who Lao Ma is? (I really wondered because they only get to meet great-grandma 3 to 4 times a year.)

En: Lao Ma took photo with Natasha at Da Yee’s house. (Okie, she got that right since she remembered the photo I took with my mobile phone).

Mom: Do you know why Lao Ma is blind?

En: Lao Ma read books in the dark when she is a baby, so her eyes spoil. A lot of blood come out!!! Then Lao Ma become blind…

I was totally speechless at the absurdness of the story, yet pretty amused by En’s imagination. The best part was - Xuan quickly put her book away and declared she is not going to read in the dark anymore. I had En to thank for that.

Just yesterday, Xuan decided to “make a call” using her toy mobile phone and ask me to greet the recipient (whom she decided would be my dad).

Xuan: Mommy, say “Hello, Gong Gong!”

Mom: Hello, Gong Gong!

Xuan: Okie, good.

Mom: Hello, Nai Nai! (I added a new "character" to the teleconversation.)

Xuan (protesting): No, not Nai Nai. Gong Gong is not with Nai Nai.

Mom: Why not? Perhaps they went shopping for toys together?

Xuan: No, Nai Nai go shopping with Ye Ye, not Gong Gong. Gong Gong go shopping on his own.

Mom: ??????

Sometimes, I wonder what goes though the tiny brains of my little ones. Do they speak more from their hearts or minds? What causes their logical thinking or wild imaginations? Have I, in any way, limited their ability to imagine beyond the impossible? I certainly hope not.

As I pondered these questions, I concluded that as certain as the sun rises from the east every morning, the beauty of life is not in knowing the who, what, when, where, why and how… It is in appreciating the who, what, when, where, why and how. I hope my children will embrace this beauty, and that I will demonstrate this virtue in my parenting journey.

Dear Lord, may you continue to bless my children and help me to “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” –Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV). Amen.

I will Survive

Today mark the start of the 14th week since I started my full time studies. The journey is extremely rewarding, but of course, I've had my fair share of ups and downs. I struggled with a few modules, like Psychology, Developmental Psychology and Sociology. As you can see, I'm not a very theoretical person, so dry subjects like these just doesn't work for me. On the other hand, nursing subjects (particulary skills related) and Anatomy & Physiology were more "exciting" modules for me and I believe I had done (and will do) well in these subjects.

Nevertheless, I must confess it is by the grace of God that I survived this far. Being a mother of two was supposed to be beneficial, in my course of studies, in the sense I had to manage my time pretty well in order to do my revision and prepare for tests/exams. However, weekends come and go with the munchkins demanding time and energy from me, and before I knew it, I'm always trying to "scan" my entire stack of lecture notes into my "pea brain" the night before my tests. Oops!!!

You know what? Each time before my test, I would say a little prayer "Dear Lord, I will survive... with your help!" And my little prayer whispered in desperation never failed to be answered by my gracious Lord. *Thank you, Jesus!*

Of course, the support from my family is another crucial factor. Di and Ya-Ya had been entertaining the girls during those trying times where my "CPU" had trouble appending data from my revision. *Thank you, my dears!". Its 3 more weeks before I get to clear all my exam papers. Thereafter, I will face a new set of challenges as I venture into the hospital to clock my clinical hours. I believe I will survive my clinical posting too (but not without God's help!).

Back home, I have to thank God for faithfully preserving the little ones as well as the adults. None had been feeble lately and the munchkins had developed so quickly, I couldn't believe my eyes and ears at times. En is extremely chatty and cheeky nowadays. She would sing, dance and make funny faces. The list of questions she'd ask at times amuses me too.

Xuan starts to reason a lot lately. She'd be explaining things and constructing her own rationale about certain situations, and I am so amazed by her vocabulary. Oh yes, both the munchkins have started to converse in Mandarin and that's really a plus point, especially to Gong-Gong. All thanks to the childcare centre teachers who made them recite Chinese poetry!

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My apologies for the abrupt end to this posting. Will try to update everyone again, in a week or two, I hope. Its time to go back to my lecture notes again. Ganbarimasu!!!

Praying for Children

Yesterday was my late mother's birthday. She would have been 57 this year. When I was thinking about her on my way to my morning lecture, I wondered what I would have been if she was a believer and a prayerful mother. Would my life be entirely different?

Then I asked myself what I could do for my children? Have I been a prayerful mother to the munchkins as well? Frankly, I am guilty... Extremely guilty. Then I chanced upon an article this morning which hit the nail right on its head, and I can't resist sharing it here. Below is an extract from thoughts about God.

Praying For Children
Lord, I prayed for this child, and You have granted me what I asked of You. 1 Samuel 1:27

The assignment to pray for our children is absolutely essential to raise up a generation that will withstand the enemy’s attack upon them (Gen. 22:17, Psa. 12 7:5).

These Scripture-based prayers are dedicated to this most important responsibility and privilege of a parent or grandparent.

Lord, what do You want for my children? Guide me by Your Spirit as I pray for my children according to Your will. I release them to You so that You can accomplish Your will for their lives. I will not try to live my life over through them. Keep me from binding them by my needs, wants, and ambitions for them. Get me out of Your way, so that You can work the life of Christ in them and give them Your best. Give me the grace to wait on You, for Your timing is perfect.

I pray that my children would:

1. Receive and love Jesus as their Savior
2. Commit their lives to make Jesus Lord and be filled with Your Spirit
3. Know the true and living God intimately and cherish and apply all Your names
4. Learn to pray and praise
5. Know who they are in Christ
6. Be protected from the evil one by the blood of Jesus
7. Receive the love of God the Father
8. Love the word of God
9. Learn to hate sin and love holiness, righteousness, and the fear of the Lord
10. Grow up into maturity in the Lord
11. Glorify God in their bodies as Your temple
12. Respect those in authority
13. Have healthy, edifying, satisfying, wise friendships
14. Know the truth and renew their minds in God’s Word
15. Walk wisely in the ways and wisdom of God
16. Have the joy of the Lord
17. Seek to please God, not self, and serve others
18. Learn who the enemy is and resist him victoriously
19. Maintain their first-love devotion to Jesus
20. Find the godly life partner that God is preparing, a mate who will complement them in their obedient walk with the Lord

Note: Details of all 20 prayer requests above are elaborated in the website.

I seriously think I have done well thus far in NOT trying to live my live over through En & Xuan, and I pray I will continue to keep this in mind as they grow older. It is also my wish that they will develop individuality and not conform themselves to standards of this world. My hope for them is they'll turn out to be wise children of a chosen generation, not Gen-X or Y as "pigeon-holed" by the modern society. But above and beyond the things mentioned, I ask the Lord to continuously guide me in raising En & Xuan in a manner He desires, and grant me the wisdom to manage them as they enter into the pre-school phase in the months ahead. Amen.

Have you been praying for your kids? If you haven't, then pray with me!

Changes

I'm starting to adjust better to my recent lifestyle changes, though still trying my best to balance family and academic life. Thank God He had been very faithful in providing for the family and my much needed brain capacity (there's so much to remember for BioScience!!!). Here are some pictures of my life in NYP:

Yours truly & the gang who makes academic life more interesting.























Our usual teabreak loot which is a must for some to boost their CPU (brain).












Though Di and I had missed out quite a fair bit in the munchkins' developmental journey of late (eg. their first visit to the Underwater World & Pink Dolphin Lagoon), we still try our best to make time for them on weekends or whenever possible. I really, really appreciate the help from all who had been faithfully & regularly helping to babysit the munchkins while I move on in life. May the Lord bless them richly!!!

Here's a pix of the munchkins on their way to school, taken a few days ago. Thank God for protecting them and keeping them healthy, just so I can study in peace and wake up in one piece everyday!

Over The Way

Life had never been the same again the day I stepped into NYP to pursue a diploma in nursing. The past one month had been tremendously enriching and challenging (both physically & mentally), but I enjoyed every bit of it to date. And I pray I will continue to feel this way in the years to come.

There are some moments that hasn't changed a fair bit though. The giggles and hysterical laughs we have while I'm home with the munchkins, as well as chaotic ones at times. Peaceful moments (like now) are also treasured ones considering the huge amount of information I had to absorb while revising my lecture notes, and to keep up with some of my personal commitments.

In times like these, apart from hymns, it is also comforting to listen to "liberating" songs like Over The Way (by Europa Huang). If you have not heard this songs, check out the beautiful lyrics below:

The sunshine’s come, the flowers dance along the river, the mountain.
It’s cold in the stream, I jump in and swim, being a dreamer, saying nothing in words.

Approaching to a child, ignoring the crowd.
I hear my heart beat, it’s so real.
Nameless song, I’ve sung it over the way.

And maybe I’ll be alone to be on the tramp with the moon.
So you empty the roads leading the craft for truth.

Yai yai yai ya

‘Cause I don’t have wings to fly so freely like birds in the sky.
I’ll have to let go of mind to soar in the wind and smile.

Approaching to a child, ignoring the crowd.
I hear my heart beat, it’s so real.
Nameless song, I’ve sung it over the way

End of Tai-Tai Career

Today is Di's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! We celebrated with a cake that has Lightning McQueen (the red racing car from Disney's movie "Cars") on it and the munchkins were so thrilled, they co-operated for every photo shoot just so they could lay their hands on (or rather, savour) the yummy cake. :)

Apart from Di's birthday, today also mark the end of my tai-tai career. Starting tomorrow, I will be back in school with a fully packed schedule. All my classes start at 8am and end around 5-6pm, Monday through Friday. In addition, I have bible study till 9:15pm every Tuesday. The few hours I have after school on weekdays would have to be spent wisely, making time for the munchkins, Di, assignments and homework, plus sorting out some household stuff (eg. bills, budget, etc.). I have to set aside some time on weekends for revision too, on top of family time.

Sounds tough? I think its more than just tough. But its now or never, you know what I mean? So I'm determine to ride the storm and survive the 2-year accelerated course. With the help of our LORD and support from family members, I believe all things will work together for good. Keep us in prayer, ya?

As for the munchkins, I'm indeed privileged enough to be a full time mommy and given the opportunity to grow with them for the past 2½ years. From using baby sign languages to mumbling a few words past the 2-year mark, they have miraculously started speaking in sentences over the past 3 months. One could actually hold a rather "sane" conversation with the girls now, and that's an achievement I must say. Though I'm a little sad that I have to leave them in the hands of the childcare centre while I move on to develop my own career, I am equally thankful they are learning so much more in playgroup. And I must admit I really enjoy the new skills they've acquired from attending the playgroup. They could dance and sing all day, and that brought joy to me and my family.

Come what may, my priorities will always be my family, so if I seemed very anti-social from now on, forgive me for time is not on my side and many are my obligations. Don't give up on me, my friends. You can email me, text or even buzz me! I will not disappear from the surface of this earth, so keep in touch! Thanks! :)

Blessed Easter

Blessed Easter, everyone!

Every week when hymns are sang during the worship at my BSF class, I'd be reminded of an old hymn which I learn in the 1980s. I can't remember all the lyrics, and certainly none of the chords, but I do remember the first stanza and its chorus which goes something like this...

Our God is far greater than words can make known
Exalted and holy, He reign from His throne
In infinite splendor He rules over all
Yet He feeds the poor sparrows and He knows when they fall

His power is great and will ever endure
His wisdom is peaceable, gentle and pure
But greater than all these glories I see
It's the glorious promise that He cares for me

Beautiful, isn't it? I hope I got all the words right. If you happen to know the entire hymn or better still, lyrics with the guitar chords, pleassssssseeee... share with me, ya? Thanks!

Days Numbered

My days are numbered... What would you do if you know your time is up, yet there's still so much to do? Well, I have for myself another 12 days to the start of my full time course, and I'm trying to make full use of every second now to do whatever I had been planning to do for the longest time while the kids are away in childcare.

My to-do-list includes:

1. Spring clean the munchkins' bedroom (done 2 days ago.).
2. Re-organise my handbags in the wardrobe (completed yesterday.).
3. Go through the munchkins' clothing, give away those they can no longer fit and bring out the new, bigger ones (checked!).
4. Carve out a section of my wardrobe for the munchkins' growing collection of bags (done!).
5. Getting a new vacuum cleaner with true HEPA function and high suction power (finally bought it this morning!!!).
6. Start a record book for Ya-Ya to note down the critical dates where non-routine chores (eg. change of air con or HEPA filter) are performed (just did it).
7. Make space in the books & stationery cupboard for my new files, notes, reference books, etc.
8. Re-organise the clothes in my wardrobe.
9. Buy anti-dust mite pillow for the girls.
10. Source for cute iron-on patch for the girls' new pillow cases.
11. Update shutterfly albums which are long overdue (sorry!)
12. Get new regular button-front sweaters for the girls to wear during nap time in childcare.
13. Hunt for a suitable adult raincoat for Ya-Ya who will need one to ferry the girls to childcare in wet weather.
14. Birthday celebration (lunch + movie + tea) with Di (programme confirmed.).
15. Birthday celebration for my dad (waiting for dad's confirmation).
16. Lunch date with my sisters (confirmed.)
17. Go for a relaxing weekday shopping (date & kaki booked.)
18. Breakfast by the bay (date & kaki booked too!)
19. Visit aunt & granny.
20. Catch up with as many friends as I possibly can!
21. ... the list goes on...

So what do you think? Do I sound like I going to be called home to be with the Lord in 12 days' time? Kekeke... Seems like it, isn't it?

"Deed" Trouble???

Yesterday, 3rd April 2009 @ 6:00pm, in a tiny little office located next to a butterfly garden, I signed pages and pages of legal binding documents which made me felt as if I had just sold myself into slavery (卖身契 in mandarin)...

Just kidding! The fact is, I was more than happy to have my signature penned all over the document called the Deed (a writing or document executed under seal and delivered to effect a conveyance). Apart from marriage & kids, this is probably the greatest commitment I had gotten myself into so far. I am now "obliged" to devote the next 5 years of my life to a career I believe I was called to - nursing.

As I've come to the 100th post of this blog, and having entered a covenant that will keep me busy as a bumble bee, you will probably see less of my postings from now due to fully packed schedule. Having said that, perhaps not... I may end up posting more often than before if I have lots to pour out to you folks after getting myself into "deed' trouble. Hehehe...

Anyway, wish me all the best, my friends! Keep me in prayer if you can. Thanks! :)

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us -
yes, establish the work of our hands."
- Psalm 90:17 (NKJV)

Paranoia

Do you find yourself acting strangely after becoming a parent? Do you hear your newborn baby cry in the middle of the night, when he/she is actually sound asleep? Or have you ever place your index finger near the baby's nostrils to confirm he/she is still breathing? I have, and I still do. Paranoia was never part of me until the arrival of En & Xuan, and I found myself stuck with this "disorder" till now.

After the series of events (lung infection, surgery, hospitalisation, etc.) which took place since February, my maternal "antenna" would respond to the slightest sign of a cough, or even a mere choke coming from the munchkins. Some nights, I literally jump off the bed when I hear a cough from the girls' room. And whatever food that triggers a cough are banned from the kids' menu for now. In the past, I never believe in abstaining from certain foods when one is ill. "Eat everything in moderation" had always been my principle when it comes to food. Now, I watch my girls' diet like a hawk. Eggs, chicken soup, honey, french fries, raisins or citrus foods, etc. are a big NO-NO.

Its sad to deprive them of so many of their regular foods, especially when they don't have many to begin with. But if you witness the munchkins coughing right after a small serving of honey stars, or cough for a good 3 hours in their sleep from 9pm till midnight after having eaten some french fries over dinner, you'd rather watch them eat plain bread with sky juice. No joke!

Gong-Gong and all my other family members are not spared. My paranoia drove me to inspect every snack given by them. It's for the good of their grandchildren/nieces, I'd say. And of course, for a peace of mind for the mommy too. Nevertheless, I pray this disorder won't last for long. For as soon as the munchkins are cleared of this respiratory "ordeal", I am certain I will be back to my old self. Or will I ever be???...

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" - Philippians 4:7 (NKJV)

The Paradox of Our Time

My favourite passage extracted from:

The Paradox of Our Time
- by George Carlin (Comedian, Actor, Author)

The paradox of our time in history is that
We have taller buildings but shorter tempers;
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less;
We buy more but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgement;
More experts, yet more problems,
More medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much,
Spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
Drive too fast, get too angry,
Stay up too late, get up too tired,
Read too little, watch TV too much,
And pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions,
But reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life,
We've added years to life not life to years.























Photography: Xuan
Cropped by: Mommy

How true! And how many of us actually realised that? Adding life to years!!! Shouldn't that be everyone's lifetime goal? Let's teach our children to enjoy the beauty of life to the fullest and appreciate every bit of it. This is especially more crucial to my family now as I move on to fulfill my "calling" while they start to get used to my absence (well, most of the time). God bless us!

Déjà vu

Just when I thought we're over and done with En's medical issues, who'd have thought she'll "shocked" us early in the morning last Saturday. Well, she didn't make it easy for all of us when we were at the surgeon's clinic the day before. She screamed, yelled and fought with all her might at whatever came her way. The surgeon finally raised his white flag and skipped the nasoendoscopy check. En was alright when we left the clinic, though we did noticed her cough quite a fair bit.

By late afternoon, her cough seemed to get worse but she was still happily playing, so we just gave her some cough mixture which the surgeon prescribed earlier. By midnight, she was coughing so much she couldn't sleep at all. To make things worse, she kept having nightmares, screaming "I don't want!!!" repeatedly, and that was exactly how she reacted in the clinic during the day.

So what can you do to a traumatised toddler who's coughing non stop in the middle of the night? We just have to take turns to calm & soothe her, rock her gently to sleep and anticipate the next drama in 20-30 minutes' time. The entire family was up caring for her till early morning, only to find her getting breathless as the clock ticks. My first thought then was "Did her adenoid removal surgery fail??? Why is she so breathless???"

To cut the story short, we ended up in KKH's A&E by noon, and she was sent to Observation Ward right upon arrival. The readings taken on the oxygen saturation level in her lungs were below normal range (95%-100% ) and the reading kept going down by the minute. Despite having inhaled 28 doses (my goodness!!!) of metered dose Ventolin puffs and undergone 30 minutes of oxygen therapy, the reading taken was a disappointing 88%. Her chest X-ray revealed left lung infection, which was why the doctors decided she has to be warded.

The meter readings taken on day of admission and the following morning after 18 hours of oxygen therapy.




















So exactly a week after her surgery, we found ourselves in the hospital again, this time with acute bronchitis and pneumonia. Her oxygen saturation level in the lungs returned to normal after 18 hours of oxygen therapy and administration of 4 metered dose Ventolin puffs every 3-hourly. I was sleepless, tired and worried... Having to spend 2 nights in KKH also reminded me of those nights I spent with Xuan 2 years ago. It was only last week when I was going through the photos taken then! Can you beat that???!!! Déjà vu indeed.

En in bed during the 2 hospitalisation saga in a week.























Thankfully, we are all back home now, although I will still have to endure sleepless nights to administer the Ventolin puffs to her during the wee hours at night. But at the very least, I have my En happily playing and laughing again. Praise God!

P/S: I cannot thank God enough for His reminder that He will preserve my children, especially when I was feeling helpless in KKH. The doctor who was getting information from me on En's medical history exclaimed "That's quite amazing!" when he asked for her gestational age (37 weeks + 1 day and that's full term for singleton, let alone a twin), and if she required any NICU (the answer was NO) or any jaundice treatment given postpartum (the answer was NO as well). Indeed, I am still amazed to date. Both En & Xuan are miracles, aren't they? Praise God again! :)

Over and Done with... Almost

First of all, we'd like to thank God and everyone who were with us in prayer pre & post surgery. En's adenoids were successfully removed on 14 March, and I felt she was given a new lease of life the moment we left Novena Surgery that day. For the first time in 2 years, I felt she didn't have to breathe heavily and could sleep silently in the car. That was when I couldn't help it but exclaimed "Its all worth it!"

Its been nearly a week post op and the girl slept well every night. The improvement is spectacular!!! It wasn't just me who noticed the difference. Everyone in the family did. En became more chatty, probably because she's no longer feeling the lethargy during the day. She'd skipped and hopped when we're out, apparently more relax than before. Now I fully comprehend the surgeon's words "You will notice tremendous improvement in her sleep the very night after her surgery. And she will be thankful to you for putting her through all these because she hasn't had a good night sleep for a long, long time." Its more than amazing!!!

Now, the only thing left to overcome is her review at the surgeon's office tomorrow. Although he said he may or may not do the nasoendoscopy on her, depending on her "mood", I am fully aware that he will most probably do it. Come on! Which surgeon does not review the site of the surgery post op??? Its his call of duty and I know I cannot stop him. So there we go again... Despite knowing that dear En is well and had fully recovered from the op, I have to commit her into the hands of God again tomorrow when that "flexible" camera thingy gets inserted into her nostrils while she scream and yell. It may not be physically painful, but it is definitely emotionally traumatising for a 2½-year old toddler.

So please keep us in prayer again, till we confirm the good news from the surgeon's mouth - "She's cleared!"

Thank you!

Surgery Preparation

When Xuan was admitted to KKH in April 2007 to have her abscess removed, we were caught unprepared, hence the trauma for the then 6-month old girl, Di and myself. I still remember the pain of being shooed away from the procedure room when my little one screamed at me for leaving her behind. And I'll never forget how lonely I felt when I was back in the ward, all alone, trying to hold back my tears while Xuan went under the knife (with only local anesthesia administered) and was wailing her lungs out. I swear I could hear her even though I was miles away. The only consolation at that time was probably the fact that she had a pair of really strong lungs!

IV unit on Xuan's arm which had to be taped to a splint.














Preparing to give Xuan a bath post surgery.














Its nearly 2 years from then yet memory of the above is still fresh as though it just took place yesterday. As such, I decided its best to tell En about her adenoid removal surgery scheduled on the coming Saturday than to surprise her that morning. After all, she is coming to 2½ years old and is able to comprehend the concept of events quite well. However, I reckon it'll sound a lot more "comfortable" to her when I said there are 2 "strawberries" (instead of adenoids) in her nasal passage that has to be surgically removed in order for her to breath more comfortably and to sleep better.

Well, we always tell En that she is special because an angel kissed her at birth and left her a lipstick mark (Strawberry Hemangioma) on her wrist. For that, she became a fan of strawberries and everything related to the fruit. So not surprisingly, she was glad to know there are 2 of that cute, little pink fruit in her nose which Dr. Chee (the surgeon) would like to remove. We added that the removal process will be carried out while she's asleep (under general anesthesia) and when she comes around, "Ta-da!!! The strawberries are gone!!!" En responded with a silly smile, as though imagining Dr. Chee waving his magic wand and some fairy dust came upon her while she was asleep. To give her more reasons to look forward to the surgery, we told her Dr. Chee is going to leave her a present for being such a cooperative patient.

Of course, mommy would be the one getting the present in reality. I had already bought her a new set of Hello Kitty Cellphone with matching accessories. My sisters also had gifts on standby to cheer her up post surgery. We've got Princess wardrobe stickers, Dora's bubble bottle, Thomas & Friends activity book, etc. all ready to put a smile on our little princess' face this Saturday.

And no, we have not forgotten about Xuan. Whatever gifts we prepared for En, there will be a duplicate one for Xuan too. Talk about double blessings! Remember its also double spending for twins!!! Hee... While Di, myself and one of my younger sisters will be at Novena Surgery this Saturday, Xuan will be home with Ya-Ya and Ling (my close friend and neighbour) who volunteered to babysit. Ya-Ya and Xuan will also be partaking the Holy Communion at home before the surgery starts. So it is a family event where everyone has to do their part to celebrate En's new gift of life --- to be able to breath freely, literally!!!

Would you please pray, celebrate and rejoice with us for this coming Saturday? Thank you very much!

Restoration

Had wanted to post earlier but I just didn't have the courage to. So much happened in February and with the kids still down, my heart is just a little to heavy to even get my spirit lifted for a second, even though I'd love to share some good things that were happening to me. I am hardly this discouraged, but I am still hopeful. There is still that little faith left in me, so I am hanging in there...

Nevertheless, this post is to thank everyone who had been with me in prayer, as well as to update those of you concerned on the status of the munchkins.

En
She has fully recovered from the gastrointestinal infection, as well as lung infection. After several tiring trips to the clinic for the administration of Ventolin (a medicine used to open her airway) via the nebulizer, we finally bought a unit of the nebulizer from the PD to administer the medication on our own at home. Her condition had improved a great deal but we desperately need to speed up her recovery in view of her coming surgery to remove her adenoids.

However, on Tuesday morning, when her PD recommended to postpone her surgery (originally scheduled for tomorrow), my heart sank into a bottomless pit. It is no joke knowing that she has to suffer another week of sleep apnea. Watching her cough every morning from 4am+ to 5am+ despite her strong desire to return to sleep is horrendously torturing for Di, Ya-Ya and myself. Many times, I had to leave the room, sometimes in tears, because there is absolutely nothing I can do for my child except to pray. Helplessness is a curse!

En's temperament is also very much affected by what she had been through lately. The amount of medication she had to take everyday is not helping either. Her mood swings are comparable to a pendulum! It got so bad I decided to cut down on all her medication intake, particularly antihistamines, and give only Ventolin. The result - she appeared happier. Thank God! And to keep her "sterile" till the surgery, she will be quarantined at home which means my sanity will be at stake. Patience, patience, patience... I have a feeling I'll either turn into a saint, or end up insane, by the end of next week! :(

Xuan
Caught the "bug" from En which landed her with lung infection as well. Xuan is very much recovered and sleeping very well despite her lost of appetite. Her antibiotic intake ends today, and that marks the end of my medicine feeding battle with the munchkins. We had a few very nasty battles with Xuan when it comes to medicine feeding and putting her on the nebulizer. The process was just too much for me to take, hence the decision to also cut down on her antihistamine intake.

As a result, Xuan too had been quarantined at home to give her a chance to fully recover and strengthen her immune system. Another reason for not sending her to school is to ensure she doesn't get another round of infection. Otherwise, she'll bring the "bugs" home to En, then we'll be back to where we started again.

With so much going on, I found my entire being running on empty earlier this week. Patience worned off, energy totally drained, tear ducts dried up and the usual joyful self vanished. I'm afraid my soul and being may well have been living in parallel existence behind barbed wired fence. Despite the whatever little faith I had left, God continued to be faithful and restored my hope and renewed my strength through my bible study class on Tuesday evening, and I am so grateful for that.

Now that the restoration process had began, I'm taking things one step at a time till life in this household returns to normal. And thank you once again, for keeping my family in prayer. I hope to share good news the next time I post. God bless!

If Children Live With

A beautiful poem I spotted in my girls' very talented & gentle PD Dr. Kenneth Lyen's clinic. He certainly is one doctor you'll fall in love with at first "word". :)

If Children Live With

Praise - they learn to appreciate
Criticism - they learn to condemn

Approval - they learn to like themselves
Shame - they learn to feel guilty

Encouragement - they learn confidence
Ridicule - they learn to be shy

Security - they learn to have faith
Fairness - they learn justice

Acceptance & Friendship - they learn to find love in the world

Xuan

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day! I hope everyone had a great time together with their loved ones today. While we're not exactly celebrating the occasion, we're more than grateful we didn't have to spend this day at the KK Children's Hospital. Thank you, God!!!

For your information, I decided to name this post "Xuan" not because I have to write something about her after naming the previous one "En". Although I try to be as fair as I can as a parent and friend to the munchkins, there are times where its hard to practice what I preach. Nobody's perfect, let's face it.

Then why name this post "Xuan"? Because there is something about Xuan which we have to deal with now. Her childcare teacher called yesterday to find out En's condition, and at the same time, share with me something she observed in Xuan. Well, I must admit that deep inside, I have a feeling I knew what she was going to say but was hoping I'd be wrong... Well, a mother's instinct is almost always right.

Her teacher observed signs of insecurity in Xuan in the past week. She decided to discuss with me when Xuan refused to let part with her Dora pouch (which I bought for her this week) in school, clinging on to it as though her life depended on it. "She was never like this before. I feel she reacted this way because everyone's attention is on En this week. Do you think so, Mrs Yeo?" asked her teacher.

I had to agree. I'm one of the culprits who were not sensitive enough to my little girl's needs. I have no reasons to find excuses for myself, claiming that En needs me more in times like this. There were a number of occasions where I saw disappointment in Xuan's eyes this week, but I told myself I'll make up for it later on when En recovers. I was so wrong.

After sharing with Di and Ya-Ya about the teacher's observation, we decided we'll be more sensitive towards Xuan. But we are only humans, and what took place today made me feel worse than ever. This morning, En cried when Xuan took a piece of toy which she wanted but was too weak to reach for it. Ya-Ya told Xuan nicely to let En have the toy first and reiterate the fact that En is not well. Xuan then took a step forward, passed the toy to En quietly and turned away. One could almost see the hurt in her eyes!!! And the next thing we knew, she took a bite on her right arm!

Then in the afternoon, when I carried the frail En out of her bedroom after her nap, Xuan was seen happily sipping a cup of cooled Barley drink which Gong Gong had bought. Upon seeing En, the anxious Gong Gong hurriedly took the cup from Xuan and offered to En for fear that En would further dehydrate, but he too, failed to see the hurt in Xuan's eyes. Before I could react, there goes another bite on Xuan's arm.

Was Xuan trying to alleviate her hurt by transferring the pain onto her arms? We don't know... I've had friends complaining about their kids biting other children in the childcare centre. I've also been told stories involving sibling rivalry. Yet today, I find myself in no better shape than these friends. The only difference in our story is - the child inflicting and receiving hurt is one and the same - my Xuan.

Parenting is hard work. Not the physical aspect. At least not for me. The challenging part comes in the form of discipline and nurturing kids the way it is most beneficial to them. For Xuan, I supposed my utmost critical task on hand is to pray (for her and myself), shower her with lots of love and provide her assurance that in my heart, she will never be any less important than her twin sister. Seriously, I cannot think of any better solution at the moment. My brain is already operating at maximum capacity and my heart is still aching from the series of events. None of my other organs are capable of contributing to the topic at this moment... Oops, guess I'm not making any sense already. My brain is probably on the verge of entering "sleep" mode...

Sorry, Xuan. Mommy's very tired... But I do love you. Please be patient with me...

En

This post is solely about En.

Before I could get over her adenoid issue, we had another "drama" yesterday and it totally freaked me out. I finally broke down because I really thought I was going to lose her forever...

En had been down with diarrhea and vomiting for the past few days. As she had just started a course of Claripen (an antibiotic) last weekend, I figured its normal because the side effects of the drug clearly indicated diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain, headache, taste alteration, etc.

Her diarrhea became more severe by Tuesday, after our visit to the ENT specialist. In order not to further traumatise her, I called the clinic instead of bringing her back to the doctor. Her usual doctor was off duty, so I consulted the locum instead, and was told to continue with Claripen as diarrhea is normal under such condition. Her last meal taken to date was a slice of hash brown during lunch on Tuesday.

We went on to administer the drug and even send her to school on Wednesday. Big mistake!!! Although she survived school on Wednesday, she was too weak to even move around by Thursday morning. She was seen lying around on the floor, couch and everywhere at home in the morning. As we had already decided not to send her to school, we just let her rest as much as her heart desires.

By 9am plus, she fell asleep, and Ya-Ya thought she's getting an early nap because she didn't sleep well the night before. She woke up at 12:15pm, sat there quietly and refused all the yummy food I bought to cheer her up. 15 minutes later, she dozed off again!!! That was when the siren went off in my head!

I called the clinic only to realised its lunch break and no one's around to answer my call. Out of desperation, I called an ex-colleague who is a nurse. Her words struck me like lightning! "She could die of dehydration! She's still so young! Send her to KKH. Don't wait for the clinic to open!"

I decided to wake En up, to see if she's alright. Once, twice, thrice... I tried hitting her cheeks harder. There was no response!!! Yes, she's still breathing but she wasn't responding!!! I panicked. I asked Ya-Ya to quickly finished up her lunch while I proceed to pack some of En's stuff and get ready the necessary documents. After I booked a cab, I called my dad and Di. I was already in tears when I told them "I don't know what happened but she just won't wake up!!!" With no questions asked, both the men showed up at the KKH A&E Department's taxi stand before our arrival.

At the A&E, on and off, En does open her eyes. She doesn't give much response but she is conscious, and that is great consolation to me. Primary diagnosis for her case is Gastrointestinal infection, whose symptoms are exactly the same as the sides effects of the antibiotics. No hospitalisation required but we will continue to see diarrhea, vomiting, fever, etc. for the next few days.

Since midnight till now, she's had 3 rounds of diarrhea and yet there hasn't been much fluid intake as she refuses everything... She hasn't had food for more than 3 days! I couldn't bear to take a second look at her now as she is so weak and skinny. Helplessness is exactly how I am feeling this moment and I can only pray...

Would you please pray with me?

Adenoid

The word "Adenoid" was first introduced to me 2 days ago at the munchkins' doctor's clinic, and it got me all anxious and a little depress till now. So be warned. This is a rather depressing post...

En's bout of cough didn't go away since Christmas. After 3 visits to the same doctor, he decided to administer antibiotics which is standard protocol for fear of infection. 3 days after that, En developed high fever. Very unusual for one who is on antibiotics, so I suspect antibiotics resistance and brought her back to the clinic for a 4th time.

I spent some time with her doctor going through the signs and symptoms we observed in En:

• loud breathing (close to snoring) when she's asleep;
• takes a long time (compared to Xuan) to finish her meal;
• wakes up coughing in the wee hours of the night, hence disturbed sleep;
• occasionally throws up her milk when she's coughing;
• sensitive nose (similar to my allergy rhinitis);
• unexplained bouts of fever after she turned one, etc.

Then the doctor wrote the word "Adenoid" on a piece of paper and asked if I know what it is. I bet ??? was written all over my face. After his careful explanation and sharing with me his personal experience with his own child who had similar condition, he suggested I get En a proper diagnosis and got us a referral to an ENT specialist.

My mind was in a state of confusion when I left the clinic with the letter in my hand. As told by the doctor, I googled "Adenoid" the same night and had a better understanding of what it is. But I was still very anxious about the visit to the ENT specialist the following day. though I did feel a lot better after praying and exchanging SMSes with friends who are my praying partners.

Yesterday, I packed some of En's favourite stuff before we left for the clinic. Thank God my sister took the morning off to join us (Di couldn't make it due to work commitment). It took 4 adults to hold En down when the nasoendoscopy was carried out by the specialist. And yet, the results were not very encouraging. Her nasal passage was 3/4 obstructed by her enlarged adenoid, hence her difficulty in breathing when infected and her frequent wakes in the night. The conclusion - have her adenoid surgically removed.

While we are now waiting for her infection to clear up before we could schedule her for the day surgery, she seemed to sense my anxiety and what's in store for her. I haven't seen her laugh after the nasoendoscopy yesterday. She returned to school today and when I spoke to her teacher and principle this afternoon, both commented that she's been extremely quiet, moody and kept to herself. That nearly brought tears to my eyes...

Nevertheless, I'm thankful for the wonderful staff in the school who are taking extra good care of her now. The principal called to ask me to bring her some formula milk in the late morning when En refused lunch. She later called to inform me En finished her formula milk and that put my mind at ease because En had refused all meals yesterday and didn't quite want to have her formula milk as well.

Even now, my heart still ache at the thought of her going through the surgery and then probably another round of nasoendoscopy for post-op review. And I hate to see her so moody and withdrawn... I don't know how long this will last but I certainly want to believe it will be over soon.

You know, its strange how one could have faith in miracles when sick, yet tremble at the thought of their own kids being wheeled into operating theatres??? I used to think "losing my mobility (or freedom)" would be the most devastating thing that could ever happen to me. Looks like there is more than just that that is capable of robbing me of my peace - MY KIDS...

Playground Bully

It never occur to me that I'll have to deal with the "bully" issue this soon. While you may have read about primary school kids or teenagers being bullied in school, I was shocked to find one near our home - the playground. And one whom I thought was a friendly neighbour!!!

The bully is a 8-9 year old boy staying 2 storeys below our unit. He is the 2nd born to a family of 3 kids. The only boy, in fact. One could tell he is the apple of his father's and grandma's eyes. His mother is a very sweet, demure lady from China whom I think deserves respect for being a very considerate neighbour and brought her 2 daughters up well. What happened to the boy then? Well, I suspect he is the typical spoilt brat raised in a family where the male species are thought to be of greater "value" and "class".

It was a breezy evening when Ya-Ya decided to bring the munchkins to the playground on her own so I could have a peaceful meal. There were quite a number of children playing, so En decided to stay on her tricycle while Xuan charged to the slide (as usual). Ya-Ya decided to stick around with Xuan while keeping an eye on En from a distance. That was when the boy took the opportunity to prey on En.

No one knew exactly when happened since En's vocabulary is very limited. What Ya-Ya saw was the boy standing next to En's tricycle, holding her left hand which was on the handlebars. En was seen trembling as though in pain or fear. Ya-Ya sensed something unusual, so she ran towards the "crime scene". The boy then ran off to join his elder sister.

En wailed loudly the moment she saw Ya-Ya. She then show Ya-Ya her left hand and said the word "painful." There, on her little hand (near her wrist), was a fresh cut apparently caused by finger nails sinking into her tender flesh. When asked what happened to her wrist, she answered "Gor-Gor". #$%^&*!!! I can't believe my little girl was assaulted at the playground by a familiar face!!! Anyway, the outraged Ya-Ya signalled the boy to join her and gave him a good dressing down. Ya-Ya also told the boy's sister about the incident, and polite girl quickly apologised on her brother's behalf.

Ya-Ya brought the girls straight home thereafter. En was still crying when she showed me her fresh wound. Lately, she also displayed higher level of anxiety whenever there are boys at the playground. I believe she had been badly traumatised by the incident.

While I have been teaching my girls to love one another and not to be violent, what happened this time round prompted me to share "self defense" with them as well. I feel it is a "life skill", especially for girls. And I told myself I will give the boy a piece of mind the next time I see him in the neighbourhood. And I will insist he apologise to En, even if the scar on her wrist is no longer visible.

The Skeezites

“I’ll make sure my kids never knew fear, except the fear of the Lord”. I said that to myself, holding my newborn twins 2 years ago. I’m not going to instill fear in their tiny little hearts & minds like my parents did (unconsciously) when I was young. The twins shall not fear creepy insects (eg. roaches which I absolutely detest more than fear), darkness, lightning, “ghosts”, etc.

Months passed by and the twins grew, fearless indeed. Then at some point, they began to start running away from creepy little things like lizards and bugs. I read that their imagination gets wilder as they enter toddlerhood, so we try our best to assure them those insects are harmless. As time passes, however, when the munchkins get out of hand at times, family members (myself included) unconsciously start to insinuate some form of fear in the little ones. For example, hinting that lizards are hiding in some corners of the storage room when they insist on entering. How ironical!!! I could finally understand where my parents (or every parent) were coming from when they had to confront an innocent toddler while at their wits end. And this truth finally dawned on me a few nights ago.

Alright, some background information first. What happened was the munchkins were taking advantage of Ya-Ya since her return to Singapore. Both would take turns to want to have milk feed in the middle of the night (they slept through when I take charge) and after following her to kitchen to get their milk prepared, they would insist on having their milk on the sofa, and thereafter, refuse to return to their bedroom. Poor Ya-Ya had to camp in the living hall with no room for her on the sofa!

To prevent similar episodes from occurring again, while watching the Barbie Mariposa DVD with the munchkins one evening, I lied by bringing the movie to “life”. I told the munchkins very sternly that they are not allowed to leave their bedroom at night and camp out in the hall because the Skeezites (some form of evil flying bugs which feed on butterfly fairies like Mariposa) would be waiting for them in the dark. If they should request for milk, they would have to consume the milk in their bedroom. And I went on to illustrate (as per the movie) how the Skeezites were too huge to enter small spaces (eg. their bedroom) and were afraid of bright lights.

True enough, the same night, both girls were awake at 2am. En asked to leave the bedroom while Xuan asked for milk. I walked into their room and reminded them of the Skeezites. Having reached an agreement that everyone will stay in the kitchen where lights will be on while I prepare the milk, we headed for the kitchen. For once, I managed to have the munchkins seated on the floor, waiting patiently. The moment I was done, the entire platoon marched back to the bedroom without a fuss. And the best part was, both of them knocked out as soon as they finished their milk.

While I was quite glad things ended on a happy note and they slept through the following nights, I was extremely guilty when Xuan (watching the same DVD, seated on my sister’s lap) said the word “scared” while pointing to the Skeezites yesterday. Did I do wrong? Should I have adopted another approach? I don’t know, seriously… But I think I will tell them the truth in another year or two. They probably know the truth by then but you know what, I’d rather confess. Sorry, girls…

Future to See

I've been too busy the few days, trying to adapt to my new found “freedom”. After slogging for a good 16 days straight with two sick, cranky toddlers, a frustrated husband and managing chores without a maid, my tensed muscles were finally able to relax.

To those who had been praying for the munchkins since their first day in playgroup, thank you very much! En & Xuan are healthy, happy and adjusting well to with their “academic” life. I’m so encouraged, perhaps because it makes me feel the decision to stay at home to care for them for the past 27 months had finally paid off. Watching them put on their shoes every evening when I fetch them from school is a delightful sight. I get even more excited when I hear new words from their mouth. It’s hard to believe they are picking up so much knowledge within a short span of time.

At the same time, I’m also thrilled to see the other parts of my life fall in place. If you recall my plans to go for a career switch, I've submitted my application for a 3 year full time course which will commence in April. Though I have yet to pass the interview by the sponsoring institution, I’m quite certain I will make it through. In fact, I've just been called up for a one-day attachment/assessment in the coming week! Gosh, I’m beginning to find the excitement a little overwhelming by now!

While my head is in a whirl, my mind is pretty clear and I pray I will be able to balance family & work/school life beautifully when the plans actually materialised. Life will become more challenging than it is now. I fear for myself (and my family) at times when I think about the years ahead. But I know the best solution (which is also the only solution) is to pray, pray and pray.

If I ever complain about anything here later on when things doesn’t worked out the way I wanted them to, please be patient with me, my friend. And if you can, gently remind me the old hymn that goes “I don’t know what holds tomorrow. But I know who holds my hand…”

"Fret not about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV)

Back to School

Its the first day of school for the brand new year. En & Xuan went back to playgroup today. Finally, a well deserved break awaits us, right? Wrong!!! Di and I spent the entire morning packing up the Christmas tree and spring cleaning the house. What to do? My OCD over cleanliness at work again...

Fortunately, the girls were not as cranky as we expected them to when they started school this morning. There were still tears at the gate but I guess the other freshies (the kiddos who started PG today) kind of "out last" them in terms of cry duration, so the munchkins "resigned to fate" and settled for breakfast instead.

As of now, we're still counting down. It will be 3 more days before Ya-Ya's return. I hope my sanity stays in place till then...