Fever

En's fever started on 15 Feb. And she's still running a temperature on/off even as I'm typing now. From my record, there were 11 times when her body temperature rise above 38 °C, of which 4 were above 39°C.

For the past week, I was sleepless despite being mentally drained and physically exhausted. This is especially so whenever I measures her temperature in the wee hours of the morning and it doesn't look good. Her temperature rises each time her medication wears off. I nearly broke down one morning when the Braun ThermoScan displays a cruel reading of 39.3°C.

I'm overwhelmed with guilt and heartache. There's a mental tug of war going on in that pea brain of mine. What if her brain gets "cooked" if I don't send her to hospital now? But what if she's OK yet I chose to send her to the hospital,; and she ended having IV needles inserted through her tiny veins, gets terrorised by nursing staff who'll inject antibiotics into her every 4 hours, blah, blah, blah... But then again, if I don't send her now, then... ??? And the struggle goes on... The reality of motherhood, I guess. :(

In the midst of all the chaos, I remember my mom whom I had never thank her for her unfailing love and care for me when I was a child. Among my siblings, I'm most guilty of putting that frown on her face when I suffered injuries here and there when I was young. I don't know how much it must have pained her heart to see me get hurt. Only memories of her telling me off for being so careless. Looking back, those must be words of love and concern.

And mom's right. She used to say "You'll understand how a parent feel when you become one." And I'd say better not become one if you're "not prepared" to understand how tough parenting is. Well, gotta go now. Time to take another temperature reading on En.