Blessed 2008

Every year, on this very last day of the year, three words will automatically pop up in my mind - New Year Resolution. Do I have one? Do I need one? I think my resolution for the new year is probably to be "resolute about not having a resolution". Kekeke...

To be honest, I really don't think I can keep to any resolution with my current 24/7 stay-at-home-mom status. The munchkins are developing at such speedy pace, I can hardly keep with them, let alone resolutions. Sometimes I seriously doubt my ability to nurture them, given my impatience. But then again, I know I shouldn't think or feel this way. After all, there's a saying which goes "You're not what you think you are, but what you think, you are." Did you get that? So I think my goal in the coming year is to think more godly thoughts, keep my spirit alive and see the fruits developed in me and my loved ones' lives.

For a closure to the year, here's a greeting from En & Xuan, wishing everyone a blessed 2008. God bless!

Reminiscence

I attended my secondary school's symphony band's 40th anniversary concert last night with much anticipation. Oh yes, I was once a member of a symphony band. I know, I know... Some of you just couldn't believe it, right? One of my girlfriends rang me on my mobile when I was sipping coffee at the IKEA Cafe prior to the concert. When I told her I'm going for the concert to support my peers from the alumni band, she went "You were from the band? You mean you can play a musical instrument apart from the guitar?"

Haiz... "Do I really look that 'uncultured' to you?" I asked. She burst into laughter and explained that back in Hong Kong (she's a Hong Konger), being able to play a musical instrument is quite a luxury during her school days. Not many schools could afford to have a band as an extra curriculum activity in the first place. Hence, she's surprised we (Singaporeans) had such privileged lifestyle.

Yes, I was indeed a privileged teenager. But apart from feeling grateful I had the chance to get involved in music (I was a percussionist), I was also thankful for the discipline I received in the uniform group as well as the opportunity to "get wild" during those days. Midway through the concert, my mind was filled with reminiscences of past gaiety. Lyn, my girlfriend for the past 22 years and team mate in the band, laughed so loudly when the slide show on "40 years of the symphony band" was shown. Indeed, we couldn't believe we looked so silly then in our uniform. Yet, we can't helped but missed those good, old days. We almost cried when a photograph of the band taken with the then president Dr Wee Kim Wee at the Istana was flashed. We were in it!!! Oh, memories of those youthful days just kept pouring in! In addition, every piece of music played never fail to trigger that sweet longing for those fun filled days. Looking at Lyn, I knew she felt the same - we were swept down memory lane...

We sneaked to the backstage during the interval in search of our "past". There, we found our dearest band instructor (whom we guess is at least 80 years old now), our crazy seniors and some other familiar faces. Photographs were taken and everyone spoke like that was our last meeting. Well, you never know...

Now, I can't help but wonder how I'd feel next month at a monologue held at Jubilee Hall. CK, the lead cast (or rather, the only cast) is my friend of 28 years!!! Well, in case you're wondering, I'm not that old. I just happened to have him as a playmate when I was in primary one and we had stayed as friends since then. Come to think of it, both Lyn and CK were never my classmates. We were just school mates and remained as friends from then. Are we all predestined to be friends for life or what??? Nah... More likely a result of my PR skills being developed and tested at a tender age. Hahaha...

My Calling Revealed?

A few days after I prayed about my calling, I received an email from a friend whom I've not met for the past 15-16 months. In fact, we've only met about 5 times at our antenatal class before we both delivered our kiddos in 2006. We hit off quite well at the class then and had been exchanging photos of our girls via email for a while.

Now, her email to me speaks of her dream to venture into a business and she wants to find out if I'm interested to be part of her dream project. Well, we seemed like a perfect combi cos she's got a creative mind whereas I'm a management person. Sounds balance, right? Not that I've got no creativity, but I've seen her works. She's got an honours degree in Creative Arts and I can only say she's really gifted! Moreover, I do get great satisfaction from managing projects and logistics stuff. That's what I've been doing for more than a decade. Oops! Decade??? I'm not really that old... seriously, I'm not...

Okie, now what??? That email got me all excited for days. I had to control myself from replying her too soon for fear that I'd be carried too far with all the excitement, thus forgetting to do a "sanity" check with the Lord. I need to know if this is for me! And if it isn't, I'm not going to ruin a friend's dream by pulling out halfway later on. So for now, we've agreed that we'll both spend more time praying about this little project before committing ourselves to it. If you're with me, please pray for me as well... Dear Lord, ... :)

Called to OR Caught in?

"Are you full time at home?" This is a pretty common question (apart from the "Are they twins?" question) which I'm most often being asked when I bring the munchkins to the nearby malls, mini marts, playground or park. I realised I get questions like that when I do so on a weekday during office hours, which most full-time working mothers wouldn't have the luxury of time.

Yes, I'm a SAHM ("Stay At Home Mom" in short). Its the 4-letter word which brings much joy to my life and yet causes me to grip with fear at times. "How long more can I remain a SAHM?" Its not a question of time. They key word in that question is can. Yes, can. You may ask "Why can't you?". Well, I've asked myself that same question many times... There are many female friends out there who are are envious of me. They wished they could be SAHM so they could spend more time with their kids, go shopping downtown on weekdays when the crowd is more manageable, take care of the house while their hubby brings home the bacon, etc.

Isn't life more than just that? Is SAHM my calling? If I'm indeed called to be a full time home maker, I pray that God will show me a sign. A sign so obvious that I'll be convinced enough to stop dreaming of getting my butt out to the field from now on. But if for some reasons I had to be caught in this situation where I have to stay where I am until God's better plan for me is revealed, I pray I'll have the patience to wait upon the LORD.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining here. I just long for a different level of job satisfaction and of course, financial independence. Not that my hubby doesn't provide enough for me to spend. But I'd certainly enjoy being able to buy that Baby Gap outfit or Jack & Lily shoes for the munchkins without getting that look on Di's face which translates into "Do you have to spend this much on the girls? They'll outgrow them in no time." Sigh... For those of you who agree with Di, you missed out one of the most enjoyable experience of being a parent. Its perfectly alright to splurge on your kids (and yourself) once in a while, and certainly more wonderful when you are able to pay out of your own pocket. It means you are "able" to provide for your loved ones (by God's grace, of course).

So, pray with me, my friends! For directions and signs... and perhaps "peace of mind" should the LORD willed that I have to remain a SAHM and keep my hands off those alluring outfits at the Gap stores. *wink*

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
And whose hope is the LORD.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But her leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit." - Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NKJV)

Sleep Deprivation

31st October (Halloween!!!) marks the start of the first night (after 12 long months) the munchkins share the same bedroom for bedtime. Why were they separated for 12 long months at bedtime? Because En is a light sleeper, thanks to mommy's genes, and she was deprived of a good night sleep whenever Xuan shares the same cot as her. That was when they were both small enough to fit one cot. We weigh the pros & cons then and decided to separate them at bedtime when they were 6 weeks old. By doing that, everyone (including the adults) gets to keep their eyelids shut for at least a straight 4-6 hours per night.

Then why put them together now? Because they've both outgrown their cots!!! Not that they are so big that they could no longer fit their cots. There is simply insufficient space in their cots to satisfy their increasing need to toss & turn all over the place at night!

Now that the munchkins get their own bedroom (with Ya-Ya in there, of course), Di and I thought we could get better sleep at night without having to wake up in the wee hours to check on them. Well, we're wrong!!! Or at least I am. The "mommy" in me will just jumped off the bed and dashed to their bedroom whenever I hear a cry. And talk about better sleep indeed. I'm beginning to display signs of paranoia when I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing cries from the empty cot in my room. Arrggghhhh... Dé·jà vu! I thought I'd only behave like this when I was in confinement. Haiz... Looks like more sleep deprivation for now...

Totally Exhausted

2 weeks past by without me even noticing it... Come to think of it, I celebrated my own birthday exactly a week ago. Haiz... I've been zombie-fied since the day En fell sick and I'm totally exhausted due to the countless sleepless night after Xuan got the flu bug as well. The 2 grouchy munchkins never give us any chance to rest. Hence, my backache also started acting up as they demanded to be carried often.

Now that En has recovered, we are glad to be getting a little more rest than before. Though Xuan still requires 7 hourly feeding on her medication, she kind of resign herself to fate when she sees those colourful fluids in the syringes. I'm glad we longer live in the war zone and could happily declare code red cessation.

That being said, En seemed to be having some issues with her premolars emerging, hence a wee little crankier than usual. I hope it doesn't spell another wave of trouble. Praying for a more relaxed weekend ahead, especially when Ya-Ya (means caregiver in Tagalog. Or in this case, the name our twins would identify our FDW) goes for her monthly break this Sunday. (Oh, no...)

I emailed the munchkins birthday pix (which I updated in shutterfly e-photo albums) a couple of days ago to family and friends. Someone actually ask if baby no. 3 is in the master plan since the twins have now turned one. No. 3??? That's been the million dollar question which Di and I pondered for a long time. I looked at Di, with huge eye bags and panda eyes, lying asleep on the couch cos he's too tired to even move himself to the bed. And then the thought of walking the sick, cranky munchkins along the common corridor from 2am - 4am the other night (I can't even remember which night!!!) came to mind. Plus those shoulder and backaches I'm enduring now... These signs and symptoms are obvious answers to the million dollar question - NO.

Kudos to parents out there who are managing 2 kids or more, especially if they are multiples. You deserve a big hug!!! And more importantly, a break...

Cold & Cough Season

The munchkins turned one last weekend. A few days after their birthday party, they fell ill. Its the arrival of the all parents' most hated season - the Cold & Cough Season. En is down with fever, flu & cough while Xuan started displaying symptoms as well. We know its a matter of time Xuan will end up like En too. After all, they share everything they can get their hands on. Even if I were to quarantine Xuan, I bet its too late by now. :(

Now, the most challenging moment of the day is medicine feeding time. You can almost see a good wrestling game whenever the syringe with colourful fluid in it is brought in front of the girls. Sometimes, I just wish I could inject the syringes right into their butt instead of feeding through their mouth. You may think I'm insane to bear such thoughts. But wait... I suggest you hold your comments until you are in my shoes. There are 4 syringes (namely for fever, cold, cold and phlegm) for each of them and 3 feeds per day. That means you have to successfully inject 24 syringes a day into 2 vigorously struggling kiddos. How's that sound?

In addition, they'll get cranky in the day due to the fever and runny nose. You'll have to keep sponging them to keep their head & body temperature down. That means more struggling as they keep on pushing you away. Putting that ThermoScan ear thermometer into their ears to measure their temperature is also no walk in the park. Even the doctors at the clinic had difficulty taking their temperature with that same Braun ThermoScan, so I count myself blessed whenever I managed to take a decent reading.

The numerous times we had to wake up to comfort them in the middle of the night is also driving us crazy. I'm just totally zombie-fied. Even as I'm writing now, I have totally no recollection of what happened yesterday. All that's imprinted on my pea brain is the "eensy weensy spider" song which I kept singing over and over again when I cradled my cranky child last night...

I looking forward to a better week ahead... That is provided Xuan's condition doesn't get worse... Enjoy parenthood? Indeed... *Yawn* ZZZzzzzz....

Parenting

Parenting is defined as "the methods, techniques, etc., used or required in the rearing of children" by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary. In my childhood days, I bet my parents knew nothing about parenting. Dad's main concern would be bringing home the bacon while mom manages the household and the kids (4 of us to be exact). Did they apply any special methods or techniques? I asked my dad and he said "No lah!. What We just let you girls be. I think kids those days were not half as smart as kids today."

But look, my parent raised 4 great (yes, great! Hee...) children who turned out happy and healthy today. In fact, dad had to single-parent us when mom passed away 14 years back. So what's the problem with parenting or parents today? Why can't we be like my parents who let our kids be (in terms of play and having fun) and yet have faith that these kids will turn out decent??? It seriously got me thinking...

Then while having a chat with a friend via SMS one night on the topic of parenting, he mentioned his wife and him are currently leading a group of parents (both young and old) in church in a workshop entitled "Effective Parenting... In a Defective World" (a course series by Chip Ingram. Go to http://www.lote.org/ for more details). Reading the notes he emailed me brought so much insight into the parenting arena which has never crossed my mind. Well, if parental love and concern for their children had always remained the same, ceteris paribus, we can almost be certain that it is the society we lived in today that has cause parenting to change.

Well, parenting doesn't sound like fun to me now, though I actually thought it was so a few months back. Perhaps I'm starting to believe in the kiasu-nazis who so often stressed on giving the best to your child. I knew of quite a few moms who belonged to this nazis group as they buy only the best clothings/shoes and send their kids to the best childcare, playgroup or enrichment classes.

Nevertheless, I came to my senses. I looked into my gals' closet and found apparels from Baby Gap, Baby Guess, Baby B'gosh, Pumpkin Patch, Mothercare, Elle and Old Navy. They even received Nike shoes for their coming 1st birthday. I'm certain they are extremely well clothed and fed. After all, I gave them organic cereal! Hee... Our "best" may not meet the world's standard of The Best, but it is what Di and I can best offer them. This underlining principle is probably the same as what my parents had when were little. With this understanding, Di and I will do our best in parenting them while God will do the rest. On top of all the material provision, my best gift to them is prayer. And one day, they will learn to pray for themselves too. ^.^

SEVEN

What comes to mind when you hear of the number seven? Seven deadly sins??? Or the Seventh Year Itch/Craving (七年之痒)???

Hee... Well, today marks the seventh wedding anniversary for Di and I. With the 2 munchkins with us this year, we took a break from our usual celebration of having "dinner accompanied by little thoughtful gifts". Anyway, what kind of celebration will one crave for when you're down with cold/cough for the past 2 days???

This morning, a semi-comatose me woke up later than usual due to the effects of my flu/cough medication. A sweet SMS from Di saying "Happy 7th Anniversary" greeted me when I switched on my little black gadget, fondly known as 小黑. What a way to start the day! I managed to breeze through the day, feeling some what lethargic from the after effects of my medication. My FDW had been a great help for she had to battle the munchkins alone. Later in the evening, Di came home and to my delight, he brought goodies for me. Nothing special for our anniversary, but something he'd like to share with me - Goodwood Park Hotel's signature snowskin durian and jackfruit mooncakes! Hee... "Glutton" is one of the seven deadly sins!!! But I love the mooncakes despite my swollen throat. Surely I can be forgiven for my indulgence on this special day? ^.^

Some may ask "So that's all for your wedding anniversary celebration?", or say to us "Don't get complacent and forget your romance after the kids arrived!" Nah, no worries! We haven't. We are still deciding on the date to leave our munchkins and FDW with my dad/sisters, while Di and I dine in peace, savouring fresh sashimi and gratifying our hunger for the many other Japanese cuisine we so missed.

いただきます... *Slurp*

Recovery

A week had past... Time flies, indeed. And Ning had delivered her child last weekend. She also replied my SMS to let me know she's feeling fine and recovering well. I thank God for that. And I know God knows how it feels to have a loved one taken away. HE's been there too some 2000 years back.

"On the day when Heaven cry,
The sky was torn apart,
And its tears became the falling rain,
That flows from Heaven's broken heart."

I am reminded of the chorus of this song I used to love singing every Easter. Its from a children musical called"The Boy Who Believed". I've tried searching for the disc but to no success to date. Yet every time I ask God the question "why", HE will bring to mind this song and it puts me to shame.

But I am only human, I'll think to myself. So on top of my quiet time with God, the human side of me felt the need to verbalise my feelings through communication with a mortal being. I waited for Ling (one of us in our clique of 4) to touch down from her holiday trip on Sunday and shared with her. We both cried but well, you can't deny the female species of their rights to tear. It definitely made us feel better. For now, we'll just look forward to meeting Ning when she has recovered, and hopefully we don't have to wait too long...

Utterly Despondent

I was pretty emotional when I read about Ashley (see my previous blog or http://ashleyisourangel.blogspot.com/) and that same melancholy mood came back on Sunday when the story of Ashley was published in the Straits Times' Life section.

Then today, tears rolled again... For at least an hour or so, I couldn't come to terms with God. Ning, one of my best friends, is 4 months pregnant with the child she and her husband so longed for. About 2 weeks back, she turned down an invitation to lunch together. Reason was her family was going through prayer and fasting for her unborn child, who had been diagnosed with "developmental issues". She was scheduled to have her medical review this morning at the gynae's clinic at the mall near my place. Well, God had it all planned and you guessed it! I ran into the couple when I was at the mall buying lunch.

There was no good news. The decision will be a painful one and Ning is devastated. We hugged and sobbed uncontrollably outside the gynae's clinic, ignoring the congregation of fathers-to-be loitering around the vicinity. I felt utterly disappointed, not exactly with God, but with the outcome. But I'm really thankful she's got a really strong and supportive husband, though I knew he's grieving too. He stood there calm, with redden eyes. And he told us to wait for him down the mall while he settles the paperwork at the clinic.

Grieving is a long process. Ning and her hubby needed time to face their grief, hurts or even anger. And I can't imagine Ning having to face this "grieve" when they speak to their pastor, break the news to their parents, colleagues, etc. Then she still has the delivery process to go through. Reality will hit her right on her face many times fiercely and mercilessly. I hated that thought...

Guess for the next couple of days, I'll still be feeling downcast, though deep down inside me, I knew it'll all come to pass.

Birth Mark

Many people asked if there are any birth marks on my munchkins to differentiate them. As a matter of fact, Xuan has a small grey one on her left arm. En has strawberry veins (known as strawberry hemangioma in medical terms) on her left wrist which has faded very substantially over the months. We believe it'll disappear in no time. As for Xuan, her birth mark may fade someday or perhaps lighten as she grows older.

Here's a pix of En's fading strawberry veins at 4 month and now.
















But, me too has a permanent mark resulting from the birth of my bundle of joy. And contrary to that of my little ones, mine grew quite substantially and its color darken over the months. It has a name - one which I prefer not to have known - KELOID.

Alas... After months of wishing it would disappear totally, then praying hard it would subside a little and finally hoping it would at least be less obvious, I now resigned myself to "fate". Or should I say I've been consoling myself by claiming it as "a daily reminder of my munchkins' glorious entry from my womb right into my arms". Hahaha...

Anyway, I took a photo of it since I consider it a souvenir of that victorious night I delivered my twins who were carried to term. There you go...





Above is an obscure little pix which I'd like to label it "Parental Guidance" recommended for all viewers below 12 years of age. ^.^ In case you can't read the fine prints on the pix, it says "Keloid measures 13.5cm (approx. 5.5 inches)".

I'm not sure if the kids will appreciate this pix when they chanced upon it later on in life. But I know Di does. And that's good enough...

Above All Else

The following is the lyrics to a song called "Above All Else". The words were written by Stormie Omartian (author of "The Power of A Praying Parent") and sang by Debby Boone. And I totally agree when she said the words summed up what is in every believing parent's heart. If you are a believing parent, I'm sure you'll agree with me too...

So much to say and just a lifetime left to say it.
How quickly time passes.
If I had my way, I'd keep you safe within my arms
While the storm of life crashes.

I won't always be with you, my child,
But words I can give.
When the winds of hope are dying down,
These words will live.

Above all else, know God's the One who'll never leave you.
Look to Him above all else.
He is love you can depend upon, a heart set to care.
If in the darkest night you should be lost, He will be there.

He’s the Everlasting Father,
In His hands you’ll never fall.
He’s the One who holds it all,
Above all else.

He’s the Author of your laughter,
He’s the Keeper of your tears,
He’s the One who you must fear
Above all else.

He’s the Giver of the kingdom
Bought for you right from the start,
And He’ll ask you for your heart
Above all else.

So much to say
And not enough time left to say it.
Just love the Lord
Above all else.

The Guilt Demon

How often have we done something to our kids in a fit of anger and then felt guilty about? I guess its quite a common thing among parents today. I, for one, am guilty of raising my voice or losing my patience with my munchkins quite frequently. Nevertheless, that sentiment of guilt slips away as quickly as it comes.

Yet for the past 2 days, Di had been tormented by the guilt demon. At my in-laws' place on Saturday, all was fine when En was having her evening bath while Xuan was napping. Then Di heard Xuan wailing in the bedroom down the corridor. Thoughts like "did she fell off the 6-inches thick mattress?" or "is she scared because she woke up alone in an unfamiliar bedroom?" raced through his mind. He had no time to ponder the situation. He just need to rescue his princess! So he ran towards the room, push open the bedroom door... only to hit against an "obstacle" behind the door... his own flesh and blood!

Xuan was petrified, her head shaking and she sobbed uncontrollably in fear and pain. Di was so overwhelmed, he couldn't recall how he had to push the door inwards wide enough for his gigantic body to enter into the room to cuddle his fear/pain stricken child. From that moment onwards, the demon took control till now.

Despite assurance from everyone that Xuan seemed alright and unhurt (except for a redden cheek which is probably the area hit by the door), the demon stood firm in Di. It was pure accident but the impact was so great, I guess he'll remember it for life. I just pray the demon will walk out of Di in no time.

As for Xuan, she's happily watching her favourite Sesame Street VCD now as I type, occasionally making sounds like "ya-ya", "hee", "eh...", clapping her hands and chuckles a lot. I can't thank the Lord enough for preserving her. Amen!

An Angel Added to Heaven

Tears rolled down my face as I read the following blog of a fellow SMH forum user who delivered her bundle of joy, only to bade farewell to them. The blog documented the tears and emotions of the heart wrenched parents, Angie and David, who are such faithful servants of God. I'm sure their little princess, Ashley, now lives happily ever after in the arms of our Lord.

http://ashleyisourangel.blogspot.com/2007/08/their-resting-place.html

This again reminds me of how I should cherish my bundle and the people around me. May the Lord bless and keep them always.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant; I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains." - Psalms 116:15-16 NIV

"I'm Not A Plastic Bag"

My sisters and I had gone a wee little crazy over this supposedly meant to be grocery bag known as "I'm Not A Plastic Bag". The bag emblazoned with "I'm not a plastic bag" has been designed by the "queen of bagland" Anya Hindmarch, based in London. The bag has been produced in partnership with We Are What We Do, a non-profit campaign group that has set out to change the world in small steps. And the aim of producing this bag is to encourage people not to use plastic bags.

Well, don't be mistaken for a moment that we are a family of environmentally friendly species. Kekeke... Though I personally try to be more "green" by bringing my own grocery bag when I shop at NTUC FairPrice, as well as not leaving the fridge open for more than 30 seconds, turning off whatever electrical appliances which are not in use, drawing my curtains to cool down my place, ... etc., I'm not exactly a Nazis for the green campaign. After all, who can claim they are when you stay in a high rise HDB apartment with a CRC (Central Rubbish Chute)??? I have 5 waste bins (including a diaper bin) in my 1,200+ sq feet apartment. Every one of them needs to be lined with a plastic bag, so that we can transport them to the CRC to be disposed off. So where do you think these plastic bags came from? Well, either I get them for free when I shop for grocery, or I buy them. The bottom line is, regardless of who bears the cost of these plastic bags, we're just not capable of being totally friendly to the environment. Period.

Uh-hmm... Okie, so why buy this "I'm Not A Plastic Bag" grocery bag? Especially when it cost more than S$40 and is nothing more than just a large sized canvas bag? Is it because it is designed by Anya Hindmarch? Well, partly, to be honest. But the main reason is - this decent looking, affordable and roomy bag is the ideal diaper bag or shopping bag for me. Another irresistible factor is the fact that it is not retailing in Singapore. Grâce à (thanks to) Online Shopping!

Before I was a Mommy...

Just recalled this sweet passage posted by an encouraging friend in the SMH forum a week after I delivered my munchkins :

Before I was a Mum
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mum
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mum
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mum
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mum
I had never been
Puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mum
I had complete control of
My thoughts
My body
And my mind
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mum
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mum
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mum.

Before I was a Mum
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mum
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known
The warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache
The wonder
Or the satisfaction of being a Mum.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mum.

M'dam to Maid

Once a month, on our FDW's off day, Di and will have a feeling our lifespan had shorten by at least a decade. And its takes only a simple act to achieve that - change the diapers for the 2 munchkins. *Sigh*

And on such days, I am totally transformed from M'dam to Maid. The moment my FDW exits the door for her respite for the day, my "maidom" journey begins. Yesterday was a good example, and errr... a great disaster. Well, things went pretty well in the beginning. Then I heard a commotion when I was feeding En in the bedroom. I could hear Xuan screaming and yelling her lungs out, and my heart just skipped and wild thoughts raced. Could she had fell and hurt herself? Did she get her fingers squashed? Or her faced stuck between the bars of the gate???

I came out of the bedroom to find Di in a pathetic state. You see, things went totally crazy when he decided to change Xuan's soiled diaper. She just refused to cooperate by tossing and turning her body and rolling over on her tummy, reaching out for her poo, snatching away the wet wipes and nappy cream, etc. Di was about to breakdown when I saw him. Well, as much as my heart goes out to him, such episodes are pretty common on a daily basis. In fact, it took me and my FDW a while to figure out tricks to get the munchkins' cooperation during diaper changing sessions. Anyway, we managed to get Xuan's diaper on her and then get her to nap shortly after that. Hence the end to our first crisis of the day, with a few years shorten on Di's lifespan chart.

To keep the story short, we suffered another few lifespan cuts due to the following:

• Crisis #02 - "Feeding woes at Lunch time"
• Crisis #03 - "Nap time struggle"
• Crisis #04 - "Evening bath terror"
• Crisis #05 - "Goodnight, Sweet Dreams"

Hmmm... Looking at the above titles, I think I can make them into short movie clips. Kekeke... Anyway, all in all, I think its reasonable to believe that we've had 10 years of our lifespan shorten. And yes, I was glad to be M'dam again when my FDW returned at 9pm. Praise the Lord!

Nevertheless, I am thankful for my "maidom" days. Not only does Di get to experience what my FDW and I have to go through everyday, we get our RT (aka Re-Training in local army terms) on the things we used to do. Di almost forgot how to operate the washing machine yesterday when I asked him to help with the laundry. Can you believe it??? Hahaha...

My greatest reward on my "maidom" days? Its when Di finds himself appreciating what I have gone through (and still working on it) to raise our bundle of joy. ^.^

"and whosoever of you would be the chiefest shall be servant of all." - Mark 10:44 21st Century KJV

Dix Mois

How do you count to ten in French? Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix. Arrgghhhhh.... That's why I can never learn French. Too complicated for my pea brain. 残念です (meaning "its a pity" in Japanese). I guess I'm just more inclined to speak the a-i-u-e-o.

Anyway, I found out ten months is dix mois (pronounced "dees-mwah") in French! Why do I bother? Because my gals celebrate their 10-month birthday today! Joyeux Anniversaire!!! Its an achievement, isn't it? At least its another milestone for me. Hee! Got them both dressed in a new set of outfit today. White dress with little pink flowers embroidered on it. How sweet... and I could imagine us playing by a river cottage in the faraway English meadows. Kekeke...

Well, none of the gals met Di's KPI for them to walk by today. But at least Xuan has managed to achieve standing on her own 2 feet without support (for a while) for about a week now. Great job!!! Di has given them an extension till October and hopefully they'll be able to walk during their 1st birthday party. Way to go!!!

Now, what shall we have for their 1st birthday party? Who should we invite? Where would the party be held? How many cakes should we get? One for both or two for each of them? What cartoon characters for the cake(s)? Their favourite Sesame Street ones? If yes, should it be Elmo, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Ernie & Bert, Oscar, Zoey, the Count... or the whole Sesame Street gang? Oh my!!! This is killing me... How about we just order pizza? 62-35-35-35 . Its so easy to dial... Kekeke...

Do Not Worry

My soul was downcast for the past few days, a reflection of the gloomy, rainy weather. There was little sunlight and we were "trapped" at home. No outings to the malls, no walks to the parks, and even had to shut the main door as the strong wind kept the girls' hands/feet freezing cold. I began a series of "snacking" since there isn't much to do. Then all of a sudden, I realised my binging could be a sign of stress. But then... stress over what??? There's NOTHING to stress about in my life... No work stress, no relationship stress, happy family, great kids, good maid, etc... Errr... Well, let's face it. Even if there isn't a major stress factor in life, we still fret over little stuff like babies not adjusting well to new formula, complexion getting worse, gaining that 1kg, what lies ahead, blah, blah, blah and the list goes on...

In any case, I realised the NOTHING which I'm "stressed" about is a actually SOMETHING, and that itself is a WORRY. Sounds perplexing? You see, the dictionary define worry as follows:

• to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret;
• to feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.

Well, I do suffer from disturbing thoughts, or so I thought. These disturbing thoughts come and go, causing me to hover between anger and remorse. Even if I managed to survive this round, it'll only stay dormant for a while, only to resurface again later on. Its like a "ghost" lingering outside my door...

I reckon this is a "spiritual" issue since a "ghost" is involved, or you may deem it a psychological one if that sounds more acceptable. Who shall I turn to for help? Send out a prayer request to my kakis via SMS? Call a pastor? Or shall I call the SAMH (Singapore Association for Mental Health) helpline? If my pea brain doesn't fail me, the helpline number should be 1800-2837019... Errr... Just kidding. Kekeke... The primitive way works best, I decided. I go back to my favourite scripture in my sweet Precious Moments NKJV Bible, turning to Matthew 6:25-34 with a bold heading "Do Not Worry". I could feel my muscles loosening up as I read. Its indeed very comforting to know that I have absolutely nothing to worry about as I go through the passage. My favourite verses in the entire passage is 28-30. I love the way King Solomon is said to be dressed nothing compared to lilies of the field. Kekeke... My spirit is always lifted whenever I read this portion over and over again. Oh yes I do, O me of little faith...

"So King Solomon surpassed all the kings of the earth in riches and wisdom" - 1 Kings 10:23 NKJV

"So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;
and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" - Mathew 6:28-30 NKJV

Time...

Love this inspirational quote sent by a friend. Very encouraging, especially when my patience is totally exhausted by my kids...

The Art of Exercising Patience

"Love is patient, love is kind..." This is one of the famous quote from 1 Corinthians 13:4 of the Bible. I love my children!!! Yes I do! But what ever happened to patience??? I dunno... Both of them can simply corner me and drive me to my grave when they get obstinately unmoving. I tried exercising patience. I really did...

Well, you see, they have both expanded their "roaming coverage" lately. They used to just hang out in the living hall and dining area. Before I knew it, they started to invade the kitchen one day and few days back, Xuan appeared at the door to our Study while I was surfing the net. I must have given her that "What are you doing here?" expression, and she quickly turned and you guess it! She crawled right into the master bedroom, chuckling away as though we were playing "catching". Our entire home is now Neverland to my 2 "Peter-Pans" (aka the twins or rascals). But above all, their favourite hang out place is the main door/gate. Its what I call the Hot Spot. Whenever a door/gate opens (could be my neighbour's), the Peter-Pans would crawl to the gate at full speed just to see if they can catch a glimpse of the world outside Neverland, and hopefully catch an adventure ride (to be carried) out there. When I sometimes ignore their request to take a short walk, that's when a challenging series of tug-of-war begins, causing my sanity to hang by a thread and patience tested to the extreme.

I have, over the past few days, concluded the Art of Exercising Patience as a vicious cycle that goes like this:

• All peace at home;
• Rascals cry when not getting their way;
• I coax them by talking nicely to them;
• I pacify them by giving them hug or carry them;
• I compliment them for being cooperative (which normally doesn't last long);
• I plead with them to stop their nonsense;
• I beg for God's mercy;
• I threaten to whack them;
• I YELL AT THEM;
• Everyone calms down once the gate open and we go for a walk along the corridor;
• I feel guilty for not being patient with them;
• All peace at home again; and then it starts all over in no time...

Worried that I may turn bald if I continue to pull my hair when faced with the "Patience" challenge, I did the most brilliant act this afternoon. I had a haircut... So short was my new hairdo, I think I'm beginning to look like my Peter-Pans. Hahaha...

Do you think they'll be more cooperative now that we "share similar outlook"??? "FAT HOPE!!!", my conscious pea brain reminds me. *tsk*

Monday Blues???

A good friend and I exchanged SMSes this morning and in one of her messages she said "...today Monday is a sian day." I paused, gave it a thought and replied her "Everyday is the same to me now because I've taken on a 24/7 job..." Indeed, my daily routine sometimes start as early as 5:30am, and I try to start my day with a smile. How can you not smile when you have a 9 month old fellow smiling at you from her cot right next to your bed? Well, I can't. My tight facial muscles will automatically relaxes itself and acknowledge by putting the elasticity of my facial tissues to test. ^.^

But you know, I used to have Monday Blues too when I was in the workforce. In fact, I bet most of my ex-colleagues in the logistics/supply chain industry will still remember my "lung gar" face (upset, flat or expressionless) when I step into the office on a Monday morning only to hear of a shipment delay or documentation error. It'll take fire-fighting conversations, lots of impatient phone calls and many cups of black coffee to save the day. In fact, I think coffee's not a beverage to me then. Its an "escape route" which takes me away from my work to the pantry or canteen.

Nowadays, I still drink my usual black coffee. But I'll sip it slowly to enjoy its aroma while watching my girls ransack my house. And I drink it almost every other day, not just Mondays...

Buzi, buzi, buzi...

I had a really busy, busy weekend. Di had food poisoning from eating some food from the pasar malam. The diarrhea and vomiting started on Sun @ 4am. We went to GP, had his jabs and medication but it didn't helped at all. He was so badly dehydrated, I had to send him to TTSH A&E on Sun night. We only returned home @ about 3am on Mon morning bcos Di had to be under observation while he was put on IV drip. Haiz... Well, he's finally back to work today though still feeling weak. He was unable to eat much for the past 3 days. But looks like this episode's gonna help him lose a bit of his waistline. Kekeke...

The rascals are also a little feverish cos their premolars are on the way. Arrgghhhh... I felt as though I'm caring for 3 babies over the past few days. Thank God my FDW is a patient one. I'd have drop dead if not for her. Hee...

"My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26 (NKJV)

Gong Gong Transformed

As expected, Gong-Gong appeared at about lunch time with yummy YTF for me and my FDW, along with the girls' loot - packets of infant biscuits and some new toys. Watching my dad carry the girls, laughing out loud and speaking to them is a very heartwarming sight. Being a quiet, reserved man who's been a widower for the past 14 years, I always wonder how I can make his life more enriching when all he care about is whether we are well fed and healthy. Today, yes, I mean today 6 July 2007, I know his life had been transformed - by the 2 little rascals he so loved. Hee...

I look forward to the day the girls call him Gong-Gong for the first time. Wonder what'll be his reaction. Will there be tears??? Probably not. Perhaps a super broad grin accompanied by the words "Guai lah..." and a big hug. ^.^

9 months

It takes 9 months of gestation to develop a healthy baby and we've past that phase. Today, we celebrate our twins' 9 months of age - and many more 9 months to come. Looking at their pictures placed beside the PC now, I can't help but feel so emotional all of a sudden. From morning sickness to feeling heavy in my last trimester, then the stressful post confinement periods and now... I can't believe I'm looking at the pictures of 2 sweet girls with angelic smiles and occasionally, devilish grin. How did I survived? I dunno... And its not that important anymore, isn't it? We just "play by ear" as the days passes by.

We had a busy week and I'm dead tired. The girls had been waking up at about 6am in the morning for a few weeks now. Arrghhhh... There goes my beauty sleep. I had lots of fun over the week though. The girls had their first dip in the pool last Saturday. Its was wonderful!!! I think we'll do it again. ^.^ Sunday was a "crowded" day as our house was packed with visitors (friends staying in the neighbourhood as well as my IL's family). Then I had my SAHM/MTB/FTWM gathering on Wednesday night at Sakae Sushi. Yesterday I brought the girls to visit my granny, followed by dinner at Gong-Gong's place. Dead beat yet fulfilling. All these activities kept me sane, alright?

Talk about the crowd on Sunday at my place, I suddenly realised our house is no longer that BIG. We used to be able to house 20+ pax and still has space for everyone to move around. Now, we've got exersaucers, twin stroller, playpen, play mat, baby highchair, toy box, and little pieces of toys all over the living hall. Oh my!!! *headache*

And the latest addition this week includes:
(1) one metre tall air-filled tumbler (a toy made with a weighted rounded base so that it can rock over and then right itself) with Tom & Jerry printed on it - bought by Di; and
(2) lightweight single stroller for walks to the park and nearby mall - bought by Gong-Gong.

Well, I'm sure there'll be more to come. As it is, its only been 9 months and we're already blessed with this much. I just pray we'll at least be able to walk across the living hall in the 9 months to come. I've already been told by Gong-Gong that he'll "take care' of the bicycles and tricycle once the girls are ready for it. Thank God for grandpas indeed.

Oh yes, I've got to take a photo of the girls later to celebrate their 9th month "milestone". Kekeke... The pictures are more of a reminder to me on how far I've come as a mother. My KPI for the month >>> to assist the twins in further developing their gross motor skills to achieve Di's vision of them taking their first step by their 10th month. ^.^V

Now I wonder if there'll be additional bonus for me if I managed to achieve my KPI. And what if only one of the girls managed to take her first step in a month's time? Halve the bonus? Di, what do you say??? Kekeke...

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is His reward." - Psalm 127:3 (NKJV)

Call me "Mom"

Yes, En was indeed calling me when she said "mom mom". She did again when I walked pass her cot last evening. When my neighbour/pals came by last night, they witness En crawling towards me murmuring "mom mom..." My heart melted at that instance.

Told Di about it this morning and he was jealous. He looked at En and said "Call me. You can call me mom too."

Hahaha... *Evil Grin*

Careers vs Rewards

Di received THE letter yesterday. Yes, he got his promotion finally! Its the recognition he longed for and more importantly, the increment we looked forward to. The $$$ means a lot more to us now that we are single income and has 2 more mouths to feed (3, in fact, including our foreign domestic worker - FDW). We thank God for answering our prayers.

However, while Di's overwhelmed with joy, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of loss... While my other pals are out there working, developing their careers and contributing to their families, I feel so small staying at home looking after a pair of high speed crawlers. I know this topic had been debated numerous times by the general population. And yes, I know, I know, I know... My situation is unique; I should count my blessings; its not my fault that I have to stay at home; my job of nurturing my twins is more important than a career; I will return to the work force some day; God has special plans for me; blah, blah, blah... I KNOW! But it doesn't help at times when the feeling of being "under-utilised" sets in.

Nevertheless, God has His own ways of comforting me. En suddenly murmured "mom mom" at me earlier today while I was having my lunch. Gong Gong (my dad) was here and he's delighted to hear her speak for the first time. Well, she's either calling me or referring to my lunch ("mom mom" is commonly used for the word "food" in baby talk). And in this case, I'd like to think she's calling me. That makes me feel much better. A proud stay-at-home-mother, in fact. Guess that's the greatest reward one can expect from going full time at home. Afterall, I was there to witness their first smile, first roll over, first sit up, first bus ride, first haircut, first xxxx... What more can I ask for? I can earn millions but my girls will never be newborn again.

Preface & Introduction

When we found we were pregnant in Feb 2006, hubby (hereinafter refer to as "Di") was first to suggest starting a blog (which he eventually did) as a diary for our parenthood journey. I didn't bother because I'm not sure if I can persevere in writing (rather typing) one. So why bother to start one now? Hmmm... Because I recently completed a scrap book documenting my motherhood journey from Feb 06 - Apr 07 and we could recall so many fond memories going through the book. Besides, Di stopped updating his blog due to time/energy constraints, and its a lot more tedious to cut/paste photos, design layout, write my thoughts, etc. in the scrap book. I finally decided on the easier way out - BLOG. Hence, my diary to document our (or rather, my) parenthood journey begins here.

Being first time parents to a pair of twins is an amazing experience for us. Without any family history, we conceived the twins unexpectedly, yet with much anticipation and joy. They're indeed treasures from the Lord. Now that they've come this far - from newborns to high speed crawlers, we can't helped but feel proud of ourselves for having such high levels of endurance in caring for them. On the other hand, I really salute those who have triplets or multiples, as well as parents with more than 2 children. These young innocent creatures can easily turn 2 otherwise organised, competent parents into incoherent, exhausted and frustrating strangers.

Now that we've signed up for a "tour package" which leads to a lifelong journey of learning and growing (with the kids), I ask God for His daily provisions and watch over us as we take things one step at a time. Yes, we particularly need lots of patience and grace, just as our heavenly Father had been graciously putting up with us. ^.^

What do I think of PARENTHOOD? ... Its A Journey of Faith.

"... "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him."
But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. ..." - 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 (NKJV)