Today mark the end of the 3rd week of my clinical practicum to a surgical ward of the hospital I am bonded to. I have 4 more weeks to go before I return to books again (aka campus life).
As much as I still strong believe in, and am assured of, my calling to His purpose in this nursing career, I am prompted to start to pray about the discipline which I will enter into come January 2011. I need to know where I would be most needed in His purpose for my life.
You see, 2 years back, I felt I "might' be called to Palliative Nursing. End-of-life issues and caregivers' stress had always been close to my heart. I wonder sometimes if it stems from regrets that my family, including my late mother, was ill prepared for her death and issues related to her demise. I am not saying we had a hard time coping then. Even the most well prepared families had their share of grief and struggles after losing their loved ones. But I believe things would have been a lot easier if someone, like a palliative nurse, had step in to prepare the family, including my mother, for the impending issues ahead before her eventual departure. I was a educated, 19-year old young adult then and would certainly be able to comprehend complex issues on hand. Having said that, such services weren't available back in the early 1990s, so no one's to be blamed though.
Now, as I encounter deaths in the hospital and patients being diagnosed with cancer, and having spoke to a few of these patients, their family members as well as nurses who were in palliative care previously, I'm beginning to doubt if I can handle the emotional roller coaster of the role of a palliative nurse. Perhaps I needed more exposure? Perhaps I needed a good mentor? Or maybe it was never God's intention to put me in this role and it was my own imagination all along???
I need answers which only my dear Lord can provide. But you, my friend, can pray with me in my search for an answer and direction. Thanks!
Give us your strength, Lord.
Because sometimes things get tough, and we are ready to quit.
Give us your love, Lord.
Because sometimes people reject us and we are tempted to hate.
Give us your eyes, Lord.
Because sometimes life get dark and we lose our way.
Give us your courage, Lord.
Because often we are put under pressure and its hard to do what is right.
Give us yourself, Lord.
Because our hearts were made for you and we will not rest until we rest in you.
Amen.
