4th Birthday

This post came a little late this year. The fun and joy experienced when planning, organising and being present at the munchkins' 4th birthday celebration in the childcare centre still linger in me.

Here's princesses En and Xuan on 6 October, with the individual birthday cakes of their choice.

I cannot put into words how I feel when I saw them seated at the table, all dressed up, ready to receive the blessings and well wishes from their teachers and all their little friends. They were such a fortunate pair whose lives had been under the hands of the almighty God! I was so close to tears that day. That gentle voice within, shouting "Look! We've come so far, isn't it?" makes me want to cry. The sweet reminder that God watches over the 2 of them all the time, is overwhelming. Those moments where I had doubts, where I was down, where my faith was failing me, where my human strength couldn't take me, they were all but foolishness of my heart which blinded my eyes to the love of my Lord.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for all that You've done for En and Xuan. They were beautifully and wonderfully made by Your precious hands. May they remember Your grace and Your love for them, and in return, love and praise You all the days of their lives. Teach them Your ways, not mine. Show them Your plans for them, and not mine. Guide them to fulfill Your purpose for them in their lives. Into Your precious hands, I commit my little ones. Amen.

Doubts

Today mark the end of the 3rd week of my clinical practicum to a surgical ward of the hospital I am bonded to. I have 4 more weeks to go before I return to books again (aka campus life).

As much as I still strong believe in, and am assured of, my calling to His purpose in this nursing career, I am prompted to start to pray about the discipline which I will enter into come January 2011. I need to know where I would be most needed in His purpose for my life.

You see, 2 years back, I felt I "might' be called to Palliative Nursing. End-of-life issues and caregivers' stress had always been close to my heart. I wonder sometimes if it stems from regrets that my family, including my late mother, was ill prepared for her death and issues related to her demise. I am not saying we had a hard time coping then. Even the most well prepared families had their share of grief and struggles after losing their loved ones. But I believe things would have been a lot easier if someone, like a palliative nurse, had step in to prepare the family, including my mother, for the impending issues ahead before her eventual departure. I was a educated, 19-year old young adult then and would certainly be able to comprehend complex issues on hand. Having said that, such services weren't available back in the early 1990s, so no one's to be blamed though.

Now, as I encounter deaths in the hospital and patients being diagnosed with cancer, and having spoke to a few of these patients, their family members as well as nurses who were in palliative care previously, I'm beginning to doubt if I can handle the emotional roller coaster of the role of a palliative nurse. Perhaps I needed more exposure? Perhaps I needed a good mentor? Or maybe it was never God's intention to put me in this role and it was my own imagination all along???

I need answers which only my dear Lord can provide. But you, my friend, can pray with me in my search for an answer and direction. Thanks!

Give us your strength, Lord.
Because sometimes things get tough, and we are ready to quit.

Give us your love, Lord.
Because sometimes people reject us and we are tempted to hate.

Give us your eyes, Lord.
Because sometimes life get dark and we lose our way.

Give us your courage, Lord.
Because often we are put under pressure and its hard to do what is right.

Give us yourself, Lord.
Because our hearts were made for you and we will not rest until we rest in you.

Amen.

Updates

Its been months since I last posted in this blog. I did not forget its existence. I made a decision to spend more time with the kids (on top of my studies), hence the missing act from the blog as well as my other online hobbies.

As of today, the munchkins are about 2 months away from their 4th birthday. They are a lot more expressive nowadays, can hold a decent conversation and they play with each other most of the time. The "naughty corner" had not been used for a long time now as discipline takes a rather different approach for them at this age. The girls are more reasonable and are able to accept verbal warnings. I haven't seen melt downs for quite a while and I really, really thank God for that.

For the past few months, quality time with the munchkins were spent indoor playing dough, doing colouring, playing blocks, watching DVDs and occasionally reading together. At times, the adults were requested to leave the room because we don't belong to their "school" or whatever environment the girls' imagined themselves to be in. Sometimes I get pretty amused by how En and Xuan could understand one another's imagination and play along. You know, like when the things they talked about were virtual (like catching a fish without a rod or net) or the environment they verbalised literally doesn't exist (they pretended to be mermaids from the deep Oceania). Kids are a lot more than you think they are!!!

We go outdoor most of the weekends now. If I need to work on my assignments on a particular weekend, Di and YaYa will bring the girls out without me. The munchkins had gotten more "acquainted" with the malls than before. McDonalds were not encouraged in the past when they were younger. We now visit the fast food chain every fortnightly. Furthermore, with the munchkins' allergy conditions and asthma under control, they are now allowed to have ice-cream when we dine out. So you can imagine how much they love outings, especially after Sunday school! They can name the various malls we've brought them to and state their preferences. Needless to say, those malls with ice cream parlours and Kiddy Palace gets top votes in their list of "My favourite Shopping Malls".

A family portrait taken for Father's Day in May, so here's one to share. Seated on my thighs is Xuan. En has got her arms around me.


I may not be able to post as often as I'd love to, but I'll continue to try. Perhaps when I'm back in the hospital in mid August, I'll have more time to write again. I'll "see" you around. God bless!

Reflections

An hour ago, I had a short chat with Di when I arrived home from my last day in KK Women and Children's Hospital (clinical posting). Di shared good news about his colleague's wife being successfully pregnant after years of trying to conceive with history of previous miscarriage. We were really happy for them. And Di was truly thankful it didn't take us long to get pregnant when we finally decided to start a family back then.

I, on the other hand, am more thankful than ever, after spending the past one month in the paediatric, obstetric and gynaecology ward. When I witnessed premature infants arriving in the ward with complex medical conditions or awaiting for corrective surgery, I can't thank the Lord more for a relatively smooth pregnancy, allowing me to carry the munchkins to term and giving them good health. Women with reproductive disorders also reminded me to count my blessings each day. What more can I ask for...

Thank You, Jesus, for everything!

Were there no God, we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts and no one to thank.
- Christina Rossetti

So Awesome is Your Love

Paediatrics

It has only been 3 days into my paediatric posting and I am feeling down and depressed, on one hand, yet tremendously grateful on the other. In fact, I am rather convinced paeds are not my cup of tea, and I certainly hope this discipline would not be my calling. I struggled to keep my professional composure at work and found it challenging to cope with the emotional roller coaster ride the moment I am out of the hospital.

I love children and I think they are beautiful gifts from God. So it pains my heart to see the little ones suffering. Oh, I forgot to mention I am posted to paeds surgical ward. Looking at infants or toddlers born with congenital conditions and hoping for a chance to lead a normal life post surgery is heart wrenching. Of course there are a handful of them who are admitted for minor conditions and their speedy recovery plus angelic laughter are a joy to many.

However, there is this one child who makes my heart ache even at this very moment. She was admitted for second degree burns (scalded by boiling water) due to abuse/negligence. My heart sank the moment I saw her. Wrapped up like an ancient Egyptian mummy, I could tell she is about the munchkins’ age. The quiet child, who refused to talk for the first 2 days, finally opened up and answered my few questions yesterday after I gave her Princess and Thomas & Friends stickers. Later on, she cried softly when we wheeled her for dressing change. After coaxing her, I promised to get her some Strawberry Shortcake stickers today. And I hope these little items would bring pain relieve and joy to her on her journey to recovery.

I spoke briefly about her condition to the munchkins last night. Told them about her burns and the fact that no one truly cares for her (I have not seen any visitors except for police officers and social workers). En graciously (lived up to her name) offer to give the girl her Thomas & Friends piano while Xuan fret over which of her favourite toys to give away. In the end, I chose a ball which changes colour when it is thrown in the air, and asked if Xuan would like to give away the ball. She nodded with a smiley face and that warms my heart.

So now, I’ll have to go pack the stickers and toys in a nice paper bag and get ready for work. Keep praying for me too, that nothing will happen at work that I'd be unable to handle. Thank you!

Why Blog?

Some people blog to document their journey in parenting, career development or relationships with their better half or higher being, etc. Others choose blogging as a means to express their innermost thoughts and feelings, whereas for some, it is a mode to share with others their love for their hobbies (eg. photography, music, handicraft, etc.). No matter what their reason is behind blogging, I enjoy reading blogs because they reveal a lot about the writers, even though you may not know them personally.

But there are blogs written by my friends and they sometimes bring tears to my eyes. These are people I know personally yet we do not openly discuss our thoughts and feelings when we meet. Why? Because we are Asians and that’s it! It is in our blood and that’s hard to change. Our parents were reserved and we didn’t have good role models to guide us in expressing ourselves in our younger days. No doubt we are a lot better than our parents in terms of communication now, but still, something is lacking in the Asian (or rather Chinese) culture which makes it a challenge for us to pour our hearts out to our friends. And I guess it didn’t help to have another barrier to overcome – pride. Blogging, however, became a great avenue for some of us to pen our feelings and share with friends and strangers (pardon me for using this term if you happened to be reading this blog for the first time).

I got to know a few high school friends better when they started blogging. We don’t discuss what was posted when we meet face to face, but we do drop each other little notes (or exchange text SMSes) when one is feeling down. This morning, I spent a whole 2 hours reading the blog of a high school friend who just passed away on 30 January 2010. I was tearing most of them time when I read about her fight against cancer for the past 15 months. The fact that she left behind a pair of twins made me think what I’d do if I were to be in her shoes. Will I be as strong? What will I say to my own twins if I were to face similar situation? I really don’t know…

Nonetheless, I hope all my friends will continue to blog, and I will try my best to catch up on your blogs whenever I can. It may not be the best way to keep in touch, but it is one of the ways in which we can share and support one another, ya? Let's not wait till the next call to gather at a friend's funeral wake to catch up with one another, okie? “See” you around and take care!

Critical Thinking

The concept of critical thinking is defined as “an analytical process that can help you think through a problem in an organised and efficient manner” (Barbara, A. P.). While it is normal to assume our kids will eventually acquire critical thinking skills, I've never actually thought about when that should happen, until I realised it had already manifested itself in En and Xuan over the past few weeks.

I used to give them excuses for not fulfilling their requests, and they never question why, though I sometimes get that "question mark" look on their faces. Then I realised one morning that my munchkins had "grown" without me noticing again. And what triggered that revelation was this.

We were at the mall around 10am on New Year's Day. Most of the shops were not opened yet, so when En asked if she could go for a kiddy ride, I conveniently answered "The shops are not opened yet, darling." Now, she knew exactly where the kiddy rides are located within the mall even though there wasn't a single one in sight. And I didn't quite like the idea of kiddy rides because they are costly. For the benefit of my overseas friends, a single ride could cost up to $2 at times!!! And you know kids don't normally stop at one ride (alright, alright... they're not so bad. They do stop at one sometimes when I tell them I only have one coin in my purse). She kept quiet for a few seconds, then she said "But the kiddy rides are not inside the shops!" I was speechless, and yes, I told her right in her face "I am speechless!" before we proceed to catch a few rides.

Last weekend, the girls were at their grandparents' place. While toss and turning at nap time, En asked YaYa "When I wake up, we will go to Orchard Road lah?" You see, "lah" is a local expression which the childcare centre is trying their best to educate the kids not to include in their English conversation. So Xuan turned and said to En "Teacher XXXX said not to use the word 'lah'." En quickly answered her sister " We can use 'lah' only when there's Xuan, En and YaYa. When mommy and papa is around, we cannot use 'lah'." I mean, what was she thinking???!!!

Well, if that is the start of the munchkins' critical thinking skills development, I guess I am in trouble. Have to start brushing up on my critical thinking skills to come up with a new list of excuses to counteract theirs. Kekekeke... Just kidding! I'm looking at my girls in a whole new perspective and I just want to tell them "Come on! Surprise me!!!